78 thoughts on “Why God cares who does the dishes”

1. Thanks BGR, love the stuff like this you write because I can really relate.

   I should probably add for those who read this and don’t know anything about me or our family… with being a wife to a very busy and very involved in his work kind of man, I totally get that its hard to manage everything on your own 100% of the time. My husband’s schedule as a Police Officer is very hard for us as a family, like most military or other LEO-related jobs tend to be. I’ve read before (from the Pearl’s) that when a wife marries a man with that kind of huge commitment to society and his mission (where it takes him away from home most of the time), that she HAS to be more independent and able to handle more things emotionally and mentally and even sometimes physically on her own to make that life together work. Not all husbands are the same, some are able to help more at their discretion, whereas mine is gone 5 evenings out of the week. Military husbands who are deployed for months to a year also have this dilemma with needing a wife that is able to manage the home completely 100% on her own along with child-raising etc. And she needs to do so with a good attitude otherwise everyone, but especially her children, will suffer.

   His work has to come before us at times because its so unpredicatable unfortunately. Many Christian husbands don’t have to live with that reality of needing to put their work above their family, but some do have to – my husband is definitely called to this kind of work, he tells me that all the time. So part of my mission is not only handling the keeping of the home 100%, but also making sure I make it easier for him to do his job without having to worry about whether or not I’m getting mine done. He makes it very easy for me to do mine by being there when he can (especially if I’m sick or exhausted), by being an incredible father, and contributing so well financially (and he’s constantly of mind to promote and raise his pay every few years which I’m not going to lie – is really really nice). I’m extremely lucky that he provides for us so well and rewards my efforts at home, by being 100% present at his work and doing the best he can to support us well. That’s how he contributes honestly… and I don’t expect more of him. He helps SO MUCH by providing us a place to live, all our financial needs being met, food to eat, two cars to drive, a comfortable living, anything our kids needs, etc. All that is a HUGE contribution… to overlook it seems very odd to me. It’d be cruel for me to expect more of him I think. Men no matter their occupation, take their work VERY seriously and they should! It really is their God-given mission to provide through working… so they are often more stressed out about their work than women tend to be. Work often is so tied to their identity and meaning in life. God put that desire there in a man’s heart to be able to provide and provide well. I don’t believe He put that same desire in a woman’s heart, but instead put a strong desire to have children and then take care of the home atmosphere and relationships in the home.

   Handling all the morning and afternoon and evening duties and tasks that need to be done with two children and being pregnant with our 3rd is crazy and overwhelming at times, but I try to balance and not have extra random (and unnecessary) activities that will throw us off. I also take naps now when its naptime lol. I find I really need that extra rest especially when pregnant. I do feel a little like a single mom at times, and most police wives admit to feeling that way BUT there’s nothing wrong with that! When a military wife’s husband is deployed, of course she feels like a single mom, but its all part of fulfilling her husband’s God-given mission and work. Its totally normal with my husband’s profession and other ones like it where the man’s mission/God-given work is very daunting and takes 95% of his mental, emotional and physical energy. That leaves us only 5% left of his energy, which is hard but its our life and we fill it with the best memories and happiness we can and try to show each other love to the nth degree because our time together is so precious and valuable.

   I maintain the attitude that this is just what has to happen because with him doing something so dangerous, and with this war on police officers (we just burried one of our own a couple of months ago 😥 ), feeling bitter about how much or little he contributes is just petty on my part. It usually doesn’t even bother me how much he can or cannot contribute, its just very trivial compared to all the other real problems in life that he faces or we face together. We’ll be married for 10 years this coming August, so I’ve worked through those emotions of wanting him to help more with housework a long time ago (in our first year or two). A lot of it was just me growing up in spiritual maturity and realizing our different roles and accepting that and accepting what BGR said – to be appreciative of when he DOES help and realize this is not part of his mission, whereas it IS part of mine.

   I do see us as a team even though he doesn’t really get to contribute much if at all to housework things or even being there 5 evenings out of the week. We are still very much working together as a team and we both feel it strongly 🙂 We have different roles but are on the same team and working toward the same end goal (a godly, happy family that functions well).

   I think what may help with the emotions M is feeling is to make it a priority to focus on meeting with God each day (making time for Him herself – not expecting her husband to wake up early so that she can have time alone… this is something she needs to take responsibility for herself and set an alarm for earlier than the baby wakes up if possible… or just have her quiet time at another time during the day if that works better). But meeting with God daily and talking with Him about her frustrations will help change her own heart toward her mission (one of the main ones being keeping the home with a joyful attitude), and even change how she views her husband’s choice to help or not.

2. Stephanie,

   I’m not sure where you’re actually disagreeing with me. A lot of what you said BGR was saying (examples include: a husband is not required to help even if he is relaxing, a husband’s help being up to his discretion, and a wife not insisting that housework be a 50/50 split although I’d take that further and add that a wife shouldn’t be “insisting” at all here in relation to her husband…with her children it’s different). Quick clarification that I’m not actually arguing in reference to M or her husband. Whatever bitterness M is growing (and I agree that it’s there) is not something I’m defending or excusing.

   Your second point about having the right heart/attitude is right where I’m at…EXACTLY right. Thank you for phrasing it as well as you did. It’s not about who does the dishes which particular night or who does them more often (substitute trash for dishes if it makes that sentence easier to swallow). It’s about doing what God has called us to do with the right attitude (which of course is part of what God has called us to do so in a sense that part is repetitive). Whether that’s working outside the home, being a SAHM, doing all the housework, doing part of the housework, WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE….that is what we should be doing.

   I still wouldn’t call a husband doing housework “wrong” because Jesus never said that (we need to seriously be careful here about adding rules to Scripture…there’s a lot of people on and off this blog who do that flippantly and regularly). But it’s definitely not his responsibility. I also sense that you’re not actually calling it wrong d/t your use of quotation marks. Unnatural role perhaps might be better phrasing here.

   I think BGR did a rather unfortunate summary of my position on your blog that may have tainted your view of what I’ve actually been arguing. Because as far as I can tell, there’s no real disagreement between what we are saying.

3. AnnaMS,

   Your Statement:

   “It’s not about who does the dishes which particular night or who does them more often (substitute trash for dishes if it makes that sentence easier to swallow). It’s about doing what God has called us to do with the right attitude (which of course is part of what God has called us to do so in a sense that part is repetitive). Whether that’s working outside the home, being a SAHM, doing all the housework, doing part of the housework, WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE….that is what we should be doing.”

   It is about who does the dishes as a general rule and that person doing them with the right attitude. It is both – not one or the other. If you do something with a rotten attitude – even if that something is required of you – you are not doing all that is required. You keep substituting trash – but that too belongs to the wife. If a husband graciously agrees to that – it is just that him graciously agreeing to do that. Stephanie brought up police wives and military wives having to be away from their husbands for long hours or perhaps days or months. You think the wife does not put the trash out then? Of course she does. The entirety of the home belongs to the wife. And she should be grateful – not expectant for any help she receives from her husband.

   But then we also have the symbolism at play. You said “whatever that looks like” -I think if I have read Stephanie’s comments right(and I could be wrong) she agrees with me that Proverbs 31 gives a pretty detailed example of “whatever that looks like”. Stephanie even emphasized what I did that the Proverbs 31 shows “she” – the virtuous wife, doing all these tasks – not her husband.

4. @BGR,

   Lol. Yes, it was a Star Trek reference. And at the end of the day, I think that it really is all about knowing what our priorities are and doing the best that we can in any given situation to meet our God-given role. And of course, we need to trust in God to help us when we are weak or circumstances are overwhelming us. We’ll falter most if we try to make it on our own.

   @Stephanie,

   I completely agree that it is important for M to be sure to make time for just herself and God, as well as to make sure that she gets as close to enough rest as she can (like by taking a lie down herself while her child is napping). I think that if she does those two things, they can help alleviate her resentment towards her husband and feel more able to tackle her tasks.

5. BGR, you choose to take out the trash as a general rule, so why a different husband couldn’t choose to do the dishes as a general rule, I’m still unsure why. I agree that it is the wife’s responsibility and that between her and her husband she is likely to do them FAR more often. That’s all and good. I’m not going to say she needs to do them as a general rule because maybe that’s a responsibility for her children (we had a ‘dishes schedule’ growing up where between whatever number of teenagers were currently at home split up the dishes so I can’t honestly remember my mom doing them that often and my dad even fewer times).

   I’m certainly not opposed to a wife taking out the trash and do so on a regular basis (typically whoever is heading out the door takes the trash with them as a courtesy to the other…it’s not a spelled our rule and there is pretty much always appreciation expressed). I absolutely agree that the trash still belongs to the wife. I don’t actually think having a physical disability (whether temporary like post-delivery or more permanent like your wife) takes away the wife’s responsibility to manage her home, and I elaborated on that in a previous comment. I included an example of one way your wife could still be responsible for the trash even if she never personally empties it.

   Again, agreeing with the grateful wife rather than the wife with an expectant attitude. I feel like this is the crux of what you are saying and I am in complete agreement.

   By ‘whatever that looks like’, I was actually more referring to the Biblical command for a wife to submit to her husband in all non-sinful matters. You’ve said previously that you’re not comfortable with your wife taking out the trash so she probably shouldn’t do that. My husband wants me to do most of the housework on the days I’m off. Pretty much the only thing he has told me he will try to do regularly is the vacuuming and just today he told me he was giving that back to me until after his intensives are over this semester (and I honestly expect this to happen again throughout his program). He is definitely willing to help out at his discretion, but there’s no expectation of what that looks like or that I get to dictate to him. I have yet to meet a man who preferred for his wife to abandon the housework and leave it to him (although I’m sure they are out there). The ones I know want and expect their wives to take ownership of the home in that way and offer help as they see fit. But that help is going to look different for each couple (it certainly looks different for your marriage and mine even though both wives do the majority of the housework). So that’s why I’m unwilling to agree that God specifically cares about who does the dishes, while totally willing to agree that God has given the care of the home to the wife. I think that’s in line with what Proverbs 31 is saying.

6. Alex’s statement : “And at the end of the day, I think that it really is all about knowing what our priorities are and doing the best that we can in any given situation to meet our God-given role. And of course, we need to trust in God to help us when we are weak or circumstances are overwhelming us. We’ll falter most if we try to make it on our own.”

   Agree completely.

7. BGR, you stated both that the trash is your wife’s responsibility and that you or your sons do it instead on a regular basis. I’m assuming you don’t think you are in sin doing so. You’ve also stated that dishes are a wife’s responsibility, so why can’t husbands do so on a regular basis if they so choose without being in sin? Is this likely? No. My husband doesn’t do that. And it doesn’t equate with a wife being ungrateful, lazy, or developing an expectant attitude. We both agreed that was wrong.

   Between the time my oldest sister started doing dishes to when my youngest sister left for college was about 25 years. My mom did not do the dishes for the majority of that time. There was no sin in that. Do you really think God cared and was grieved when we did them instead of her?

8. AnnaMS,

   Your Statement:

   “BGR, you stated both that the trash is your wife’s responsibility and that you or your sons do it instead on a regular basis. I’m assuming you don’t think you are in sin doing so. You’ve also stated that dishes are a wife’s responsibility, so why can’t husbands do so on a regular basis if they so choose without being in sin? Is this likely? No.”

   A key phrase in what you said is “on a regular basis”. So now let’s ask ourselves what the difference is between a man voluntarily taking out the trash on “on a regular basis” and a man doing these tasks other primary tasks on a regular basis:

   1. Meal planning
   2. Meal preparation
   3. Doing dishes
   4. Making or Buying the necessary clothing for her family
   5. Making sure the clothing her family has is cleaned

   “14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
   15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens..
   19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
   20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.”

   Proverbs 31:14-15 & 19-21(KJV)

   So here we see the wife is the one who takes the lead in shopping for food for her family and preparing that food as well as giving tasks(that was portions are) to her maidens. To me the Scriptures are clear that when it comes to meal planning and preparation this is a task that wives should be doing “on a regular basis” for their husbands, and their home. Are dishes not a part of meal preparation? If you don’t have clean dishes to cook with and serve with you certainly can’t make meals for your family.

   I think most people if we were are being honest would link dishes and meal preparation together – dishes are a tool of meal preparation.

   Can she give some parts of these tasks to her maidens or her children? Sure she can. No one is arguing against that. Can a husband even chip in from time to time and help yes and I am not saying that is a sin for him to do so. Or if his wife is sick and physically unable to do it of course he can and should help her in her tasks.

   The same goes for the laundry – how can you cloth your family(which is clearly also given to the woman) if they don’t have clean clothes to wear.

   So yes it is IMPLIED that if a woman is directly responsible for making sure the food and clothing needs of her family are met that cleaning dishes and doing laundry would be part of those responsibilities. AnnaMS – I am not trying to be mean here. But it boggles my mind how you cannot see this.

   You yourself have stated on this comment thread that even amongest non-Christians it seems that that wife typically handles the cooking, cleaning and laundry much more than the men do. In fact even in tribal societies around the world – the men go out an hunt and provide and the woman prepares the meals and makes the clothing. My argument is first based on the Scriptures but I think it can be naturally see in action in less westernized societies which have been poisoned by feminism.

   You keep accusing me of adding to the Scriptures – but again this is one of those “letter of the law vs the spirit of the law” things.

   “But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.”

   Romans 7:6 (KJV)

   In another post I believe you completely missed the point of this concept of the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law. You gave an example of a wife submitting with a good attitude – instead of grudgingly submitting to her husband. But this concept of the letter of the law vs the spirit is FAR greater than just doing things with the right attitude. It is looking at Scriptural principles, commands and exhortations and not looking for technicalities to get around it. This is what the pharisees did and it drove Christ nuts.

   I believe the spirit of Proverbs 31 in its exhortations to women to care for the food and clothing needs of their family clearly implies that doing dishes and doing laundry are part of those duties. I am sorry you don’t see that or think I am adding to the Scriptures saying that.

   Taking out the trash is akin to changing light bulbs or fixing things around the house. It is a maintenance item. And Proverbs 21 does not give the focus to trash removal that it gives to a woman tending to food and clothing issues of her family.

   If we are honest with what we see in tribal societies today – we can see that the Biblical admonitions to women to take care of the food and clothing needs of their family are something people naturally understand belongs to women. Again you yourself have conceded in these comments that in most cases women seem to better at these tasks of meal planning, preparation, laundry and cleaning of the home and this fits with the role that women have played in these areas in society.

   It is only in our modern western societies where we take a uni-sex approach to life that we think men can do anything women do on a regular basis and men can do anything women do on a regular basis. There is nothing sacred anymore that just belongs to realm of masculinity and nothing sacred that belongs just to realm of femininity.

   Let me tell you something – in my wife’s family Dad did most of the cooking growing up because both he and her mom worked and he got home from the factory before her mom got home from the office and also she took up college classes as well. So my wife and her sister came to see men as the food prepares of the home. I actually can cook very well(I specialize in homemade pasta dishes and homemade stir fries) and that was something my wife liked about me. I did not realize why until later – it was like pulling teeth to get her to cook when we were first married. Either I cooked or we went out to dinner. I tried to patient at first and then I realized this was setting a bad example for my children based on the Proverbs 31 role I clearly saw in the Scriptures. We have now been married almost 7 years now and now after lots of prodding my wife cooks 90 percent of the time and I cook 10 percent.

   So to use your words with mine – my wife cooks on “a regular basis” or in other words – the vast majority of the time while I chip in from time to time. I believe this sets a good example for my children of what a wife is supposed to do. And I while I believe there is definitely room for Christian couples to have slightly different mixes.

   But if man has a wife who is physically capable of doing these things yet he choosing to do the majority taking care of the food needs(meal planning, meal prep and dishes) or clothing needs(buying clothes, checking clothes for problems, cleaning clothes) he is enabling his wife to break the model God has set forth for women as the keeper of the home. He is allowing her to be derelict in her duties.

9. Sorry Anna somehow I thought you were disagreeing with BGR’s comments about the trash etc.

   I haven’t read all of BGR’s last comment as of right at this moment, but I do see Anna where you agree with him and things I’ve said almost completely. Let me try to see if I can help translate what he’s saying juxtaposed to what you *do* disagree with:

   Ok, so you said: “So that’s why I’m unwilling to agree that God specifically cares about who does the dishes, while totally willing to agree that God has given the care of the home to the wife. I think that’s in line with what Proverbs 31 is saying.”

   I DO think you are totally right in many of your comments where you explained that Proverbs 31 wives will look completely different sometimes from each other – you right on and it really does come down to what her husband wants. Sometimes that can go to an extreme though (not that this is what any of us believe here, but just for a good example) where the husband feels like “Shade?” felt going into his marriage, where he **expressly** wants an “equal partnership” and thinks expecting his wife to be a “keeper of the home” like the Bible says is backwards and old-fashioned etc. There are a lot of millenial men who think that way too, and are totally turned off by that kind of idea. I worked closely with some of them so I got a look into what their marriages were like. By and far, their marriages were not going well at all. They complained about their wives being extremely rude to them, unhappy all the time no matter what he tried to do. One guy, it was really sad, his wife was so rude to him (keep in mind they were Christians) that she actually would ridicule his research and refused to go to an award ceremony where he was given an AWARD for his work!!!! I remember he point blank told me that he never wanted his wife to be like a 1950’s wife and was referring to her doing the housework and keeping the home etc.

   There’s even been some interesting study that men who do housework actually have less sex and the couples are less satisfied overall. Who knows how accurate that is, but it was true for the couples I knew… we were definitely more satisifed than them, happier, and having lots more sex (which probably made us happier lol).

   Anyway, its clear to me you don’t agree with that kind of set up, but I wanted to point out that a lot of people actually feel that way and are still Christian. I do think you can’t prescribe to a T some of the things in Proverbs 31, but then some have general truths that can’t be avoided either. The waking up early verse was an example where I remember talking with you and my husband about how its generally an important thing for a family, but for a small minority like yours, it really will look different in practice. But the deeper meaning (of waking up early in preparation for the day and to make their lives easier) is still there – that she makes it a priority in her life to manage her home and help her husband and children get ready for the day – however that looks. Its **usually** going to mean that for probably 90% of marriages, the wife needs to make it a priority in the morning since children have to get to school and most husbands have to get to work, etc.

   With the dishes thing, I think its a little different because of it being a specific work-related task that always needs to get done in every household. Waking up early is very specific and can be done different ways if he absolutely needs her to work a night schedule or something that prevents it. But dishes always have to get done no matter what, so its a definite work-task that is under her responsibility (I know you agree here). Proverbs 31 never says that her husband gets up in the morning and assists her in helping prepare everything for the day. Most men, especially a man that was as important as her husband in his role to their community, did not and do not have time for doing that necessary task. Some men who have normal work schedules may help out during the evening sometimes, but BGR brought up a very critical point that the wife needs to think about if she’s neglecting that area of her work and allowing him to do it **too** much. Instead of doing dishes, which are not part of his mission or work in life, he could be doing something like studying for his school or job or relaxing so that he has enough energy for the next day.

   I see it maybe a little differently than you are possibly… I see it as that this is part of her work solely, he can help if she’s overwhelmed or something – but she would never be expected to go to his office or work and come “help” out there to make his life somehow easier (unless it was an exceptional case). In most work places that would be seen as weird and inappropriate for a man to delegate some of his work-related tasks or responsibilities to his wife. It would be overstepping her bounds and the company probably wouldn’t like it at all… there are people hired at his work for those tasks and his coworkers would look at him as if he was lazy if he always expected her to chime in and do something he should really be doing at his work. That’s how I see a man regularly doing the dishes… it would also be like a wife coming in to a man’s office and deciding to volunteer to clean the floors, the bathrooms there, etc. It would be inappropriate and possibly even embarrassing to him that she was that self-sacrificing and acting like a martyr. So for a man regularly doing the dishes just to help out, I think that would be overstepping his role and taking away from him doing his own preparations for HIS day. And I don’t think God would really desire that for him, just like I don’t think God would desire for a wife to make a fool of herself and go to her husband’s work everyday and act like volunteer janitor there. Most wives/mothers would be too busy to do that work anyway – and it would take her away from making sure their home was in order and clean. So for men doing dishes regularly even just to help out their wife in her work, they’re taking away from their own time to relax so that they’re efficient at work, or time to study or prepare for their work or be with their kids. They already did their work and contribution as a team player in the family (a MAJOR team player may I add). So it does seem very strange and foreign to me to have a husband who regularly helps (or grow resentful because he doesn’t), but then again, I used to be like that, but God changed my heart about the issue.

   A woman doing the dishes or making sure they get done by servants (back then) or children is a part of HER day and her tasks. A man doing his work for his employer would NEVER think of handing off part of his job that his boss assigned to *him* to his wife to cover for him. So that’s kind of how I see the division of labor in a marriage, and why I think that women who work full time have it extremely hard to try to manage everything and do well at it. I know they can manage it, but its definitely harder and more stressful/emotionally painful for them. I don’t think God wanted women to have that much on their plate… and we can tell with all the health problems women have now that are stress-related 😦 I watched my mom try to do both (even with my dad helping sometimes) and it really negatively affected her health and she’s still paying for that decision. She looks at our life and how I’m choosing to stay home even though it was sometimes financially hard, and she’s actually told me before that I’m doing what she “should’ve done.” I’m so much happier just having to focus on one thing, too, and I did work for a little while when I had my first and it was very hard.

   Sorry I wrote like a book about this stuff….

10. BGR and Stephanie, I pretty much agree with Stephanie’s last comment although I still wouldn’t dictate to other couples exactly who should be doing what cuz you run the very real chance of going against a husband’s authority.

    While we were dating, we lived 2.5 hrs apart. I rented a bedroom from a Christian family near the hospital, and he was renting a room with a bunch of other guys. I always visited him and his kitchen was always a WRECK. He insisted I didn’t use it and we are out most of the time or he would cook. That did not sit well with me and kept fighting him on it until I found myself ripping a spatula out of his hand
    At that point, I realized that we were either going to keep fighting (which added a ton of unnecessary stress), or I could let him cook when he wanted. Now that we’re married, I do most of the cooking, so not every couple is like BGR and his first wife (BGR, you’ve said before that she struggled with laziness and I’m guessing that’s part of it).

    Also, Stephanie, you said that a man would NEVER think of passing off part of his job to his wife, and you are right, but I think the authority structure makes it different for a wife. I can’t tell my husband, “the kitchen is my job, get out”. I tried the equivalent when we were dating with no success. If a husband decides it is best for him to take on a particular duty (while she of course maintains responsibility), that is his perogative.

    Totally agree with not following couples who are egalitarian in this way and see how that could hurt a marriage. But we’ve been married less than 2 years and already have done 2 very different housework assignments that my husband chose. So I have a hard time believing that all happy Christian couples (excluding the unhappy ones Stephanie mentioned) follow the exact same blueprint.

    And don’t worry about writing a book on stuff, Stephanie, I always appreciate your words of wisdom.

    BGR, if you’re fine with the children doing the vast majority of the dishes (as you seemed to be in my mom’s case), it doesn’t seem to be so much that the wife should as it is that the husband shouldn’t. In which case, you’re gonna have to hunt outside of Proverbs 31, as that doesn’t detail what a husband is and isn’t supposed to do.

    I realize it’s unintentional, but it seems a bit emotionally manipulative to tell a wife that God wants her to do the dishes while simultaneously agreeing that others can as well. Almost like, “I guess you can let them help, but I hope you know God wants you to be the one doing them. Mean, don’t feel bad that you’re teaching your kids well, but that’s your job and you might be lazy”. How about not doing that?

11. Stephanie,

    Your Statement:

    “I DO think you are totally right in many of your comments where you explained that Proverbs 31 wives will look completely different sometimes from each other – you right on and it really does come down to what her husband wants. Sometimes that can go to an extreme though (not that this is what any of us believe here, but just for a good example) where the husband feels like “Shade?” felt going into his marriage, where he **expressly** wants an “equal partnership” and thinks expecting his wife to be a “keeper of the home” like the Bible says is backwards and old-fashioned etc. There are a lot of millenial men who think that way too, and are totally turned off by that kind of idea.”

    First of all – don’t worry about writing a book – I am the king of writing book comments and articles. In fact most of the time when I write a post I write it first in Word and try to keep it to 6 pages or less. It is like murder for me to do that. This article ended up being 12 pages in Word and I cut two pages out to shrink it down a bit. That is why I really enjoy working on my book(title still to be determined) because I don’t have to worry about cutting things out. I can say everything God puts on my heart to say(and hopefully it won’t sound like rambling….LOL).

    I agree with you that marriage often comes down to what the husband wants. But there is a danger there – or an “extreme” as you put it where the husband is trying to be modern and sophisticated so he convinces himself he does not want a 50’s wife that takes care of everything and waits on him – when in fact instinctively that is exactly what most men actually want. But men have been taught today that to have such desires is sexist and selfish. The servant leadership of Christ is twisted into a pretzel to feminize men and turn them into butlers serving their wives as queens.

    I don’t deny there is some wiggle room for husbands to work in and things might be slightly different from house to house – but when a man is the one doing the majority of these feminine tasks that are given to women he assaults his own masculinity in do so and sets a bad example for his family.

12. Yea BGR, I agree that they feel that way falsely because they don’t really understand how overwhelmed their wife will be (and possibly resentful or bitter) in trying to handle managing a full time job and kids and housework (even part of housework). That one guy that specificaly said that – he also talked about how they made a lot of money, but they were spending ALL of it and saving none – which on two good incomes was ridiculous. But the wife was always too tired to cook after work so they ate out all the time. She constantly complained that she wanted to be a stay at home mom, but he didn’t think she’d have the discipline to cut back her spending to be able to handle that (and I’m sure she probably wasn’t mentally prepared to really keep a home full time as a job).

    It just amazed me that here he was thinking he was “better” than Christians who do divide up the roles traditionally, and yet he and many of the other men were MISERABLE because of that and living far less happy lives or sex-filled lives. I felt really sorry for them, but they chose that life themselves.

13. It can go to an extreme to be sure. But I think the wife is limited in how she handles that. If she is clearly willing to do housework, delights in serving her husband, assures him that he doesn’t need to help in that way and already does so much for the family, but he still chooses to do the dishes, that’s on him not her. Maybe he’s an egalitarian, maybe he has time/energy and is just trying to help his wife, maybe it makes him feel more involved in family life, we honestly don’t know. I don’t think it’s on the wife (much less us as complete strangers) to presume she knows where his heads at and dictate what he is or is not allowed to do. Especially if the goal is getting away from being an egalitarian, it’s truly ironic.

    That is the lesson I had to learn. My husband knows he does not have to help. So now when he does, I can be grateful rather than fighting him on it, but also be totally fine if he doesn’t.

14. AnnaMS,

    Your Statement:

    “BGR and Stephanie, I pretty much agree with Stephanie’s last comment although I still wouldn’t dictate to other couples exactly who should be doing what cuz you run the very real chance of going against a husband’s authority.”

    AnnaMS – pretty much short of your husband telling you to deny your faith, to murder someone, have sex with another man, publicly disrespect him or belittle him or things like this you must follow your husband’s leadership. Even if you think he is wrong or even if I think or another man or woman thinks he is wrong. That is not what Stephanie or I are saying.

    My message to women is – if you are the problem fix it to the degree you have the power to do so. But if your husband is the one asking you to handle things in a way that you think is not based on the Biblical model of marriage and masculinity and femininity – then you must follow him. So if your husband insists on cooking most of the time and he wants to put his little apron and go for it – then you must let him. If he insists on doing most of the laundry then you must let him. If he insists on you working in a career outside the home and helping in his provider role then you must obey him.

    The only area where I personally believe divorce bells can begin to ring is if a perfectly healthy man just comes home one day because he just decided he does not want to work outside the home anymore. So he says to his wife “you go work – and I will take care of the kids and the house.”. I actually had a man tell me he did this in an email. He later came to regret it as it destroyed his marriage.

    I can give what I believe to be Biblical advice to any person – man, woman or child. But no I cannot tell another man’s wife or child that “you must do this or that” – he is their spiritual authority I am not.

    But I can say to another man, another husband – “Based upon the Word of God you are wrong sir in how you are handling things at home with your wife or your children and here is why”. There are some gray areas in Scripture – I don’t claim that there are not. But when we make everything gray – we strip the power from the Bible.

    Your previous statement:

    “Between the time my oldest sister started doing dishes to when my youngest sister left for college was about 25 years. My mom did not do the dishes for the majority of that time. There was no sin in that. Do you really think God cared and was grieved when we did them instead of her?”

    You previously have said your mom was a SAHM. So her being called on to work outside the home by your father was not a factor in this. I agree that it is good for children(especially female children) to learn to do the dishes. It is important for them to learn how to do laundry and as well as cook and clean. I am not even against even male children learning these things. I think they are life skills we all should have. I just taught my 11 year old son how to make hamburgers on the stove this weekend. It it is very likely that they may live on their own for a while before marrying and they should know how to cook for themselves and do their laundry.

    But having said that I have made it crystal clear to my children that while these are all good life skills to have that things like cooking, cleaning, dishes as far as the home and specifically marriage are concerned belong to the woman. That is why I push my soon to be 15 year old daughter much harder on her learning good cooking skills and her regularly doing the dishes and helping out around the house.

    But this brings us back to your mom not doing the dishes for pretty much 25 years. It is one thing to teach your children responsibility and life skills and it is quite another to abdicate that responsibility entirely. So apart from some health related issue that prevented your mom from doing the dishes for 25 years I believe it was a wrong for her to put all of it on you and your sister.

    You see for many women – doing the dishes is actually their most hated home task. I know it is for my wife – if you ask my wife which task of the home she hates the most she will say “Dishes – hands down”. And that is why I try to remember to have my daughter to help with dishes on the weekends but at the same time I want to see my wife doing the dishes on a regular basis. My wife while accepting help from my daughter needs to be taking the lead in doing all these tasks to be a good example for my daughter.

    I realize what I have just said is offensive. It hurts when anyone says they think our parent, our spouse or our child have done what they think violates God’s Word. It hurt when I told my wife I believed based on the Word of God her mother – while being a kind and good woman – set a bad example for her in many areas including cooking. You may disagree that it does. But I must stand by what I believe to be right because this is so much more than about someone washing dirty dishes. It is about the symbolism of man and woman, marriage and Christ and his church.

    And yes I have said to my wife “I believe the Word of God shows that as the wife and a step mother in this home you need to be doing the majority of the dishes and the cooking and the laundry. It is not about serving me – it is about serving God and fulfilling the role God has given you to play out. You are setting an example for our children by your actions. I agree the kids should help out as well and clean their own rooms and our daughter and I will help with cooking and dishes but the vast majority should fall on you except for those times when you are physically unable to do it.”

    I stand on this – it is my conviction before God.

15. Stephanie,

    I wish that Christian men and women, husbands and wives could truly understand the symbolism in the roles God has given us.

    When they do they will understand that a woman doing dishes is so much more than it appears on the surface.
    When a woman cooks it is so much more than it appears on the surface.
    When a man goes to work and fixes a car engine it is so much more that it appears to be.

    We serve a God who loves to teach through symbolism. The Scriptures as well as God’s creation are just filled with symbolisms.

    Saying a wife doing the dishes is just someone cleaning plates in a sink is like saying when we take communion at church we are just eating a cracker and drinking some grape juice. These things mean so much more and God has burdened me with presenting this message. I feel it even stronger after this discussion.

    I believe that if wives looked at things like doing the dishes, doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning for the beautiful spiritual symbols they represent they would not have such an attitude of drudgery toward them. They would do them with joy knowing they are not just serving their husband and children – but ultimately they are serving God.

    And to the millennial husbands who think if they have their wives do the majority of these tasks they are somehow “backward” or treating their wives as house slaves let me say this. You are wrong sir. Very very wrong. We need to stop tip toeing around this. By hindering your wife in these tasks – or not strongly encouraging her to do these things and praising her for doing them you are breaking one of God’s many beautiful symbolisms. You might as well go to church and tell the Pastor you don’t need to have communion anymore – that you can buy your own crackers and grape juice and just drink it at home.

16. BGR, you said “But no I cannot tell another man’s wife or child that “you must do this or that”. But that is EXACTLY what you have been doing with this entire post. That the wives must do the dishes. That is the issue I have been having this entire time. Can the wives do the dishes? Sure! Is that probably going to be part of being a homemaker for the vast majority of women? Sure! But we don’t have the responsibility or authority to dictate to individual women (outside of you with your wife) what that looks like. I can’t believe it has taken this long to get you to admit that simple sentence. I almost feel like my job here is finished.

    But before I go, I will say that I don’t appreciate your comments about my mom. Do they hurt? Sure. Because you know next to nothing about her. You don’t know that she had a spinal fusion as a young child (a procedure that has been radically changed in the medical field since that time and would not be done in her case in 2017) that makes standing still for periods of time extraordinarily painful for her. You don’t know that she ran a piano teaching business out of her home that my dad fully supported and encouraged her in. You don’t know that she had 8 children (7 of whom are daughters) so splitting the dishes was more than just me and a sister and never ended up being that much work for us. You don’t know that my dad told her he didn’t want her standing still at the sink for periods of time and he came up with the dishes schedule just for that. But let’s say none of that was true (which it all is). It was her prerogative to train her children as she saw fit following her husband’s guidance and that included passing on dishes duty to her children. You might not implement that in your house, but you have no right to condemn it in somebody else’s. I have no idea whether dishes duty was her least favorite part of being a homemaker (it certainly isn’t mine). I never heard my mom complain about any of it. I get that there are lazy and whiny women out there and in many ways you drew two sour apples, but you really shouldn’t paint all women with the same brush.

17. AnnaMS,

    Your Statement:

    “BGR, you said “But no I cannot tell another man’s wife or child that “you must do this or that”. But that is EXACTLY what you have been doing with this entire post. That the wives must do the dishes. That is the issue I have been having this entire time. Can the wives do the dishes? Sure! Is that probably going to be part of being a homemaker for the vast majority of women? Sure! But we don’t have the responsibility or authority to dictate to individual women (outside of you with your wife) what that looks like. I can’t believe it has taken this long to get you to admit that simple sentence. I almost feel like my job here is finished.”

    I notice you left out a very important disclaimer I put in front my statement ““But no I cannot tell another man’s wife or child that “you must do this or that””. Here is the full context of this statement:

    “I can give what I believe to be Biblical advice to any person – man, woman or child. But no I cannot tell another man’s wife or child that “you must do this or that” – he is their spiritual authority I am not.

    But I can say to another man, another husband – “Based upon the Word of God you are wrong sir in how you are handling things at home with your wife or your children and here is why”. There are some gray areas in Scripture – I don’t claim that there are not. But when we make everything gray – we strip the power from the Bible.”

    Any Christian has the right to state to other believers – even men’s wives and children what they believe is right and wrong based upon the Word of God.

    If your husband were loaning you out to his friends at work for sex would I not have the right to tell you that I believe your husband is sinning in doing so? Of course I would. In the same way I have every right to teach both men, women and children what I believe is righteous living or sinful living. What I believe are gray areas in the Scriptures and not gray areas in the Scriptures. You and I disagree on this dishes issue. You think it is gray area – I do not believe it is.

    There are many that have this philosophy – “Keep to yourself what you think about God, marriage and the responsibilities of men and women and husbands and wives”. You think I don’t hear that on a daily basis in emails I receive? You bet I do. I do not claim perfection – I am not an Apostle of God. No Pastor or Christian teacher is inerrant today. But that does not mean we as Christians must be afraid to make public stands for what we believe is right – not just for our family but for all families just because it might offend some people.

    AnnaMS – this is the problem in our churches today. Pastors are afraid to teach anything but the Gospel and things that everyone will agree on. That is why Pastors like mine avoid talking about submission or Biblical gender roles when they preach. They are also scared to preach on holy living in general anymore for fear of offending people in the church. This is not the way God meant it to be. Christian preachers and teachers need to follow Paul’s example when he wrote:

    “For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God.”

    Acts 20:27 (KJV)

    You know what Anna? The more of God’s Word we teach the more people will be offended – the less of God’s Word we teach the less people will be offended. But we have to obey God rather than man.

    There are things that you and I and your husband as fellow believers in Christ believe that are very offensive to non-Christians around us. Should we just stop publicly saying what we believe is right so we don’t offend them? Of course not. Should we as Christians not talk about what we believe is sinful even if other Christians might be offended by that? Of course not.

    Part of Christian maturity is accepting the fact there will be times when my brother or sister in Christ thinks I am sinning by doing something(or not doing something) – but I am convinced before God it is not sin. For instance I have great friends in the Lord who believe I am sinning by not tithing. They believe all Christians are required to tithe. I do not believe that and I have made my Scriptural case for that. We accept this difference as friends.

    We have to accept the reality of these types of situations occurring between Christian brothers and sisters. In those cases I will vigorously defend what I believe to be right in the same way I expect my brother or sister on the other side to vigorously defend what they believe is right based upon our understanding of the Scriptures.

    At the same time being sensitive to the Holy Spirit knowing that in some cases one of us is right and the other is wrong and I need consider the possibility I could be wrong. But as believers we can’t be afraid of taking strong stands while at the same time remembering we are only human.

18. AnnaMs,

    I only started talking to you again on this subject due to Stephanie’s input. I will leave the last word after this to you and Stephanie and then I will move on.

    This is what I will leave with you with that I believe applies to this topic and any other holy living topic(and following Biblical gender roles are a part of holy living).

    There are some things that we as believers will believe are right just for ourselves or our families. We don’t necessarily think other Christians have to follow these practices. These are our standards.

    But then there are beliefs we have that we believe are not just right for ourselves and our family – but they are things that right for all Christians, all Christian families and all Christian marriages. These are our convictions. An example of this that I think that most every Christians would agree on is that husbands should not loan out their wives for sex to their friends. We hold this as a conviction – not a standard. Some Christians(like some of my friends) hold to tithing as a conviction. It is not just a standard for their family – but they believe it is required for all Christians.

    We don’t have to take a poll of what most Christians think on a subject and go “Well if most Christians disagree on this subject – then I can’t treat it is as conviction – I must regard it as my personal standard.” No – if we see something in the Scriptures and it is very plain to us and we are convicted before God that this is his absolute right way for all believers then we can stand on that. But in Christian maturity we must be able to accept that other believers might not hold that conviction and we have to be able to agree to disagree.

    There are some convictions though that would forbid certain churches or Christian organizations from working together. Like if one church teaches you can loose your salvation while another church is adamantly teaching eternal security you are going to have problems. Sometimes convictions separate believers in their corporate work. But as individuals Christians I think it is rare when convictions should cause us to have to separate.

    Anyway – that is my last word on the subject. I leave the final words to you and Stephanie. And I don’t mean to limit your conversation with her on this thread – feel free to continue. I just need to move on to other posts(and working on my book).

19. Yes you absolutely can give advice…even if it winds up being unBiblical and you retract it. Nobody has the right to silence you. My debut on this blog was about my story of persevering through painful sex…that is considered highly offense to many women today, so I’m not afraid of offensive speech. Giving advice that women are responsible for the home is good and Biblical. Giving advice that men are not required to help in the home as they do not bear that responsibility is also good and Biblical. Telling women that dishes are included in housework is purely logical (for pretty much every culture that I am aware of). Telling women that God cares that they do the dishes when it is possible that He in fact very much does NOT want them to do the dishes because that would fly in the face of what their husband is teaching, is not good and Biblical. That last part is where you cross the line from merely giving Biblical ADVICE, into instead telling wives what to do. You were not advising them to do the dishes. You were flat out telling them they were in sin if they didn’t (as going against what God cares about is sinful). That’s not just advice. I’d absolutely advise a wife that the dishes were very likely going to be her job and she shouldn’t have expectations or bitterness towards her husband for not doing them. If I gave that advice to someone like my mom, she would take that advice and realize that, while normally true, it didn’t apply to her. She would not go away thinking that she was going against what God cared about. Fine line? Sure, but a very important one.

20. AnnaMS,

    OK I know I said I would give the last word – and I will. You can respond to this. I am not trying to change your mind anymore on the validity of my conviction in this matter. I only want to clarify where our difference is.

    Yes I know I used the word “advice” and that was a mistake on my part. I apologize as that may have caused some confusion. When a person gives advice – they are giving their preference, their standard but not speaking about convictions. When a person shares their convictions – then they are sharing what they believe to be absolute truth – absolutely what is right for all people. For instance if you told your Christian girlfriend at work that she should not be cheating on her husband with a doctor at work – is that advice or a conviction? It is a conviction.

    So to be clear – I believe I have the right to share not only my advice but also my convictions with any man, woman or child that want to listen to what I write. If it is a man – then he can go and consider if my conviction truly has Biblical backing or if it lacks Biblical support and then he if he agrees he can implement that for his family or if he disagrees then he can disregard it. For a wife – she falls under the spiritual authority of her husband. So again she can weigh my conviction against the Scriptures and also ask her husband at home about it. But he is her spiritual authority and she must abide by his judgment in the matter. The same goes for children.

    So yes both my advice(preferences and standards) as well as my convictions may be offensive to some but I must share what I believe to be the whole counsel of God.

    Your statement:

    “Telling women that God cares that they do the dishes when it is possible that He in fact very much does NOT want them to do the dishes because that would fly in the face of what their husband is teaching, is not good and Biblical.”

    I believe based on Proverbs 31 that God does care if a woman does the dishes. However that is tempered by the fact that her husband is her spiritual head and sometimes husbands stop their wives from doing what they believe God wants them to do. Dr. John R Rice years ago brought up the situation of a wife believing that not tithing was a sin and her husband did not. So the wife literally stole money from her husband’s wallet each week to tithe. When the man brought his wife to Dr. Rice he condemned the woman for doing that. He said if her husband forbid her from doing what was right then the sin lay at his feet not hers.

    So if we are going to disagree let’s be clear on our disagreement.

    My conviction – not my advice – is that if it is in a woman’s power to do the dishes the vast majority of the time and she out of her own choice chooses not to but instead delegates this to others and decides she just does not want to do dishes YES I believe she is sinning against God based on my interpretation of Proverbs 31. However if it is NOT in her power to do the dishes either because she physically cannot do them, her husband insists on doing them the majority of the time or he insists that workers or her children do them and she not do them then she is NOT sinning. The sin is then on her husband’s part and she is innocent. I do not believe it is a sin for a husband to occasionally help or have his children or others help – but if he allows his wife to completely not do the dishes when she is fully capable of doing it he as her head is sinning in hindering her or not encouraging her to fulfill her duties.

    You could substitute “cooking” or “laundry” for “dishes” in the above statement and it would be the same by my conviction. I believe that a critical part of the duties of a wife is for her to directly take part in feeding and clothing her family and dishes and laundry would be including those things.

    You do not believe the evidence from Proverbs 31 or any other part of the Scriptures is strong enough to support my conviction. You believe it could support a preference or standard as to how a certain family does things – but not a conviction. And that is OK. Christians will disagree on the validity of convictions.

    Your Statement:

    “That last part is where you cross the line from merely giving Biblical ADVICE, into instead telling wives what to do. You were not advising them to do the dishes. You were flat out telling them they were in sin if they didn’t (as going against what God cares about is sinful).”

    I am not going into people’s homes and telling wives to contradict their husbands. I tell wives to obey their husbands. What I write here is sort of like an interactive book. I share my advice(preferences and standards) as well as my deeply held convictions of right and wrong. I have every right to tell a woman who approaches me as to what I believe is right and what is sinful if I think her behavior is sinful. If a woman describes to me what I think is disrespectful behavior toward her husband I have every right if she comes here and asks me a question that I believe she has sinned by being disrespectful. If she asks me what I think about her doing house work and wanting more help from her husband and part of my response to that it is my conviction is that any woman(including her) that is able bodied and is not forbidden by her husband from doing dishes on a regular basis – if she does not do them is sinning that again is my right to say. If she comes to my blog or opens my Ebook I have every right to share my convictions – and if it pricks her heart in doing so then I consider that a success.

    If a husband does not want his wife hearing my advice or convictions he has every right as her spiritual head to forbid her from coming to my site and asking for my beliefs on various subjects. He can forbid her from reading blog entirely. It is the same as if a couple were attending a Church and the Pastor regularly preaches things that are in direct conflict with what the husband believes and he decides to remove his family from that church and move them to another. That is his prerogative as the head of his home. But what he does not have the right to do is to forbid a Pastor or teacher of the Word of God from preaching or teaching their standards or convictions.

    I hope that you and I can at least agree on upon what we disagree upon.

21. Ok, that actually makes a lot more sense. I still disagree that the husband is in sin if he delegates the dishes to a non-wife person the “majority” of the time because the Bible doesn’t give specific numbers (is 4 dinners a week too much? 5? 6? 3?). If the wife is delegating the dishes to a child out of a selfish desire to avoid doing a job that is distasteful to her, than I’d say her selfishness was a sin there. I really don’t have experience with women doing that so I’m unable to meet you on an equal level here. But it seems rather ungracious to assume that is what most women are doing.

    It might have been different for my mom having 7 daughters. If she did the majority of all the housework, there wouldn’t have been a lot of learning opportunities for the rest of us (and she wouldn’t have been able to devote time to homeschooling and teaching piano lessons which were both things my dad wanted her to do). As a teenager there were a few things I wanted her to teach me that she was unable to get to as they got wrapped up in my brother’s legal issues around that time, so I guess the thought of her doing more and my learning even less doesn’t sit well with me. Most women that don’t have that many children will naturally find themselves doing more of the housework from a purely numerical standpoint. Someone has to do it and if there aren’t enough people to go around, it will fall on her as she has the ultimate responsibility here. A lot less of the actual housework (although I still have a ton of memories of her doing it) fell on my mom but she had to spend a lot more time training and educating 8 children than one might spend with fewer. Again, this was all what my dad wanted.

    I think you summarized the root of our disagreement very well when you gave an excellent definition of the word conviction: a belief that is true for ALL PEOPLE. And that’s where, while it’s perfectly fine to have a conviction for your own family, I don’t think it actually works outside of that because you’re making exceptions. If something is true for ALL PEOPLE, it implies that it is false for none. And I’ve already given the example of my mom submitting to my dad in this way, and you’ve agreed that a wife can delegate dishes occasionally, and that a husband can even offer occasionally.

    I have absolutely no problem with the advice here being tailored to M. It seems obvious to me that her husband wants her to be doing most/all of the housework so her doing the dishes with a cheerful attitude is part of submitting to her husband. In her marriage, God DOES care that it is her who does it…absolutely without a doubt! But you generalized it from there, and that’s when I think you run into Biblical issues.

    I’m not a mathematician, but my dad and brother both were so I picked up some along the way. When you’re talking percentage of something being true for all people in a control group, the bigger the control group is, the lower the percentage of it being true for all of them is. So this advice here is 100% when M alone is in the control group. But when you went beyond that and added all the married women in the world, the odds of it being true dropped, because you have to either take everyone’s situation into account or choose to ignore some. That’s why I don’t think it should be treated as a conviction even though I’d likely give the same advice to a large majority of women.

    God bless your efforts on your book! Still can’t wait to read it (although I know i’ll have to be patient, lol).

22. BGR,

    It is interesting to me how our God given role relates to God’s design for us, in our creation and in our dress. We are created physically weaker than men. Period. As Men are also designed to be the heads of our house, it only makes sense that they are designed to conduct business “at the gate” while we are to prepare the home for them.

    I realize that this is God’s ideal, and may not be financially possible in many families. However, if we follow the precepts of Proverbs 31, it is amazing how we can lower the costs of our household and perhaps make it on one salary.

    For, us (and we discussed it before), Jim has me adhere to a dress code of only dresses and skirts. He has me in comfortable heels throughout the day, and then high heels when we are together in the evenings. So, even Jims choice of what I wear reinforces God’s design and purpose for me. Can I do household chores in a dress and heels? Yes. I do it every day. Can I climb a ladder, take out the trash, do major yard work in my daily outfit? No, not safely. That kind of stuff is his domain (Although I do maintain a small vegetable garden and herb garden in my heels and work dress (the heels have the advantage of aerating the garden!!! 🙂

    I am NOT prescribing this for everyone. But for us, God’s design in creation and my husband’s conviction in my dress reinforces the allocation of my roles around our home.

    Blessings!

23. I’m a military wife whose husband was deployed most of last year. I had to do everything on my own. It definitely puts things into perspective. My husband sacrifices a lot to provide for us–he does reserves each month and year, deployment, in addition to his full-time civilian job and soon will be taking college classes online. The *least* I can do is to take care of the homemaking! I work a small part time job–but my full time job is my home, my child, and being a wife to him. He has got enough on his plate to worry about dishes. I actually try to stop him if he tries to help. He does help out a bit, but he knows it’s not his concern. Although even if he had a regular civilian job, I would still want to be the homemaker.

24. I had another thought for M. Since her husband doesn’t have to get up early for work every day of the week, maybe he can help her out on nights when he doesn’t have to get up early the next morning. By this, I mean going to check on the baby if he or she starts crying, changing the baby’s diaper if it’s a diaper issue, and getting M if it’s an issue that he can’t handle (like a breastfeeding one). This will work differently for different couples depending on the husband’s work schedule, if the wife has to work outside the home too, and their childrens’ ages. But at this point, they both have to get up early to work in the morning. M isn’t getting days off from her job of home making and childcare, while her husband is, so it might help them both if he can do more night duty when he has a day off the next day. Plus, as I said in another comment, I think that it is important for fathers to engage and bond with their children from an early age, even though the mother, by virtue of being home and fulfilling her role, will do most of the childcare. A lot of times, this means doing things like reading to or playing with the baby and teaching the young child certain skills (although the mother will do much more of this day-to-day because she’ll be home), but in situations with M’s husband’s work schedule, the occasional bottle feeding or diaper change.

25. Thank you.
    I stumbled on this article when looking for encouragement and wisdom in how to respond to the circumstances I find myself in.

    I agree with your position and thank you for your bold statements.

    In your article, you state:
    “A wife is not having some unreasonable expectation when she is upset that her husband has been sitting on the couch and out of work for 6 months playing video games. It is reasonable and Biblically backed for a woman to expect that her husband will do his best to provide for their family.”

    This is where I find myself. And my question is – How does a wife respond if she finds herself in this circumstance with her husband?

    When my husband has worked full time, I have always needed to work to supplement our income. I have found creative ways to do that while staying home with our three children.

    Almost 6 years ago, my husband was laid off from his position. He was insistent on not going back to a “job” and we worked together to help him get a business up and running around a passion he had. I continued to work my business very part time, but it wasn’t enough to pay the bills. After 6 months we had exhausted most of our financial resources to make ends meet. He was just starting to get some momentum (although no revenue) with what he was building and then suddenly, a program in my business took off and overnight provided for 3 months of living expenses.
    My husband stepped back and stopped putting effort into what he was trying to build.
    He doesn’t look for work. He hardly helps with the kids. He doesn’t even know when bills are due. He watches movies and plays video games. He does laundry and sometimes the dishes.

    At first I was encouraged to give him his space – so I did. I continued to do what I was doing and it was growing. About 6 more months in, I found out that my husband had told our pastor that I was happy and content with the arrangement. I was shocked by this.

    We have had many hard talks since then where I have been very blunt to say that we need him to get a job or find a way to provide for our family… that the burden is too heavy for me to carry… that I believe I am created to be caring for the home and the kids for my family. I want to do those things – but I cannot do it all.

    But he wants to be home with the kids too and be around for them… he cries at the thought of going to a job… all while opportunity keeps falling on my lap in my business and it continues to grow.

    I enjoy what I do and am grateful for the opportunity. I do feel called to the community I serve in my work – but not at the cost of my family… and that is where I find myself.

    I imagine I have stepped into enabling this behavior from him now… and I am not sure how to encourage him and step back.
    We can’t talk about it without him getting extremely defensive and “hurt”… and that leads to anger.

    I have sought counseling (he is in counseling as well to work out his issues with anger) and wasn’t comfortable with the direction and encouragement I was having to leave him. I believe there may be a time for that – but am not convinced that this is a biblical reason… I am wrestling.
    As a believer… as a wife… as a mother… I am at a loss for how to respond to this in a biblical manner.

    So when I read that paragraph in your article that I copied above, I couldn’t help but comment and reach out. How does a wife biblically respond to that type of behavior from her husband? If it is a reasonable expectation for a husband to provide and work… and he doesn’t, how does the wife biblically deal with this?

    Thank you. I know this is an older article – it just really resonated with where I am right now.

26. Wrestling,

    I am sorry to hear of the situation with your husband’s laziness and unwillingness to do one of the core things God has called husbands to do and that is to be the provider for his family. I have written two articles that will give you a battle plan for dealing with this problem from a Biblical perspective:

    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2016/04/29/how-should-a-christian-wife-handle-a-deadbeat-husband-episode-1/
    https://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/08/16/does-god-allow-a-woman-to-divorce-her-husband-for-failure-to-provide/

27. REALLY helpful and challenging post, which I thoroughly appreciate and need as a new wife. This goes in my ‘to keep’ folder for continual encouragement!! :))))

28. If only my wife could read and take this to heart. Her name also begins with the letter M.
    Please pray for my M to figure this stuff out. She won’t listen to reason and had her mind and expectations poisoned by others she observed 😦

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