The 10 actions of the sexually intelligent wife


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To all you engaged women, newlywed wives or women that have been married for many years. If you will just follow some simple principles, and accept some simple truths about men, I promise that in 99% of cases the passion in your marriage will never die.

I believe as Christians we must speak bluntly about sexuality and I hope you will bear with me as some of the statements I make here might be offensive to some Christian readers, although that is not my intention. I don’t mean to be crude either, but there are some things that must be said.

If sex is so important to having a passionate relationship in marriage then how do Christian couples have passion before they are married?

Many Christian women ask this question, since as Christians we believe sex is reserved for marriage. The answer is that a Christian man’s passion for his girlfriend and then his fiancé is still fueled by his sexuality even before marriage. I do not mean to say a man marries his wife only for sex. Hopefully he is marrying her for what they share in common, that he believes she will make a good wife and a good mother to his children. But make no mistake, his passion for his wife to be is no less fueled by his sexual feelings toward her before marriage, then it will be after marriage.

The three attitudes of Wives toward to their husband’s sexuality

The first wife, is a religious woman who sees sexuality as “base” and a necessary biological function of marriage and reproduction. She will do her “duty”, and give her husband what he needs, what the Bible requires of her, no more, no less. Another name for this type of woman is a “prude”.

The second type of wife is a feminist, who believes that the way a woman gives and receives love, through emotional and verbal connection is a superior form of love. She looks down on her husband’s need for sexual variety, or the fact that he may want to have sex the moment he comes in the door without saying a word. This to her is the very definition of shallowness.

The third type of wife, may be religious or not. But she knows something about men that many women have known since the beginning of creation.

She understands the way to a man’s heart is through his penis.

This third type of wife also knows this truth about men, can be abused. Women have manipulated and controlled men through this powerful knowledge. Women have turned empires against one another through the power of sex. So when it comes to men this power can be used for good, or for evil.

I see some books say men need to be more “emotionally intelligent” toward their wives. But I would argue that women need to be more “sexually intelligent” toward their husbands.

It is easier to be “sexually intelligent” than “emotionally intelligent”

Sexual intelligence requires a certain attitude, and certain actions that follow that attitude. It does not require feelings. This is a foreign concept to most women, because women are typically much more emotional than men. God designed women with a more emotional nature, but he did not intend for every action a woman takes to governed by her feelings.

God wants women to do the right thing in spite of their feelings. God wants a woman to channel the beautiful gift of empathy he has given her into caring for her children, her husband and those around her in need. He wants her to weep with those weep, mourn with those who mourn and laugh with those who laugh. But God does not want a woman saying – “Since I don’t feel like doing this or that for my husband, whether it is in the sexual arena or otherwise, then I should not have to do it.”

Women do things all the time they don’t feel like doing. It is part of being an adult. Women go to work when they don’t feel like it. Women cook dinner for their husbands and families when they don’t feel like it. Women get up in the middle of the night to rock a crying baby to sleep when they don’t feel like it. The point is, women are capable of doing things when their feelings are not in it, because they know it is the right thing to do.

So what does it mean for a wife to be “sexually intelligent” toward her husband?

When I say the way to a man’s heart is through his penis I don’t literally mean a wife just needs to have her hands on her husband’s penis whenever she is not otherwise occupied. In fact I agree with what some have said that the brain is the most important sex organ, as opposed to the penis. However, a man’s penis is the symbol of his sexuality. So another way to phrase this truth is “the way to a man’s heart is through his sexuality”.

Here are a list of actions (and attitudes) a wife should have toward her husband’s sexuality (OK it turned out to be 20 and not 10 because of formatting issues):

  1. Don’t make your husband feel shallow because of his sexual nature.  As a wife you need to erase this type of thinking from your mind.  His sexuality is a gift from God, and you should treat it as such.
  2. Recognize your husband’s need to be visually aroused. Men are visual creatures, it is how God designed us. This does not mean you have to dress like a whore or a prostitute. But you can dress in a more sexy way that extenuates the body that God gave you that was part of what drew your husband to you in the first place. Here are some practical ways you can meet this need of your husband to be visually aroused:
  3. Wear shirts that show some cleavage. This does not mean you have your breasts hanging completely out. It just means not wearing shirts all the time that go all the way up to your neckline.
  4. Baggy clothes are a big no-no. You don’t have to wear skin tight jeans and daisy duke shorts, but you should wear clothes that show your figure and your beauty. Obviously there is also age appropriate clothing. I am not saying a 40 year old woman needs to dress like a 20 year old woman, but a 40 year old woman can still dress in a sexy, yet age appropriate way for her husband.
  5. Show some leg. Women may disagree on where the line is, but most men like to see some leg on their wife. Wear dresses and shorts that show your legs.
  6. If the barn needs painting, then paint it. This is an old expression a pastor of my church from many years ago used to say. Not all women need makeup, but some do. If makeup enhances your beauty, then use it.
  7. Listen to your husband’s opinion about your appearance. Especially when it comes to how you keep your hair and how you dress. Maybe he like’s your hair shorter, maybe he likes it longer, or maybe he likes it a different color. Maybe he likes a certain dress on you, or certain shirts. Unless what he is asking you to do something with your appearance that feels blatantly immoral, then you should do it. Learn to break out of your comfort zone.
  8. Use what your God gave you! Once you are wearing more attractive clothing for your husband, come over by him sometimes and give him a good angle on that cleavage. If you look good in those jeans, bend over nice and slow to pick up that pen you dropped in front him. Tease him with your beauty.
  9. Lingerie. One of the nicest ways to please your husband is with lingerie and it is a great surprise to him when he comes into the room thinking you are just going to sleep and he sees you there in some sexy lingerie, this is a huge thing to most men.
  10. Nudity is good too! Make sure to let your husband see you getting undressed for bed or changing to go someplace for dinner. Invite your husband to take a shower with you from time to time. I remember years back reading a book on romance from Dennis and Barbara Rainy (don’t remember the title). In it they mention the story of a young Pastor’s wife who asked her husband what she could do to help him be a more a spiritual man. He said “surprise me some time by meeting me at the door naked when I come home”. What he was saying is –if you meet my sexual needs to be visually aroused by your body, I will be less likely to be tempted by other women and it will help make me a more spiritual man. Women need to understand this vital truth!
  11. Don’t get mad at your husband when he looks at other women. As long as your husband is not gawking or acting perverted about it, when your husband sees a nice woman walking by don’t shame him. God has made men as creatures of variety, and by “variety” I mean that men are naturally wired to appreciate a variety of different women. Realize that just because he looks at other women this does not mean he does not think you are beautiful too, it is just his wiring. If you really want to be courageous and show your security with your husband’s visual wiring, ask him from time to time if he thinks a certain woman is pretty, or who his favorite actresses are. I wrote a whole series on this important topic – click here to read it.
  12. Moans and Groans. Yep as husbands we like to hear that we are pleasing our wives. Obviously anything can be overdone, but most women don’t error on the side of overdoing this.
  13. Initiate sex. I completely recognize the fact that most women like to be pursued when it comes to sex and this normal. I agree that 80 percent of the time men need to be doing the initiating and the pursing (this actually is part of the process that turns women on). But if you as a wife rarely initiate sex, you need to change that.
  14. Rain checks. A rain check when it comes to sex is when you as a wife have to gently turn your husband down when he tries to initiate foreplay. Perhaps you are sick to your stomach, or maybe your period is extra heavy at that particular time. While he needs to show patience and understanding during these times, you also need to make good on your sexual “rain check”. That means it now becomes your responsibility to initiate the next sexual encounter with your husband, to let him know you are re-opened for “business”.
  15. Oral sex. Yep I said it. It’s the truth. Learn it, do it. There are few sexual acts that make a man feel more loved by his wife, or evoke more passion in a man toward his wife than when she performs oral sex on him.
  16. Groping is usually OK for most men. This is one where a few rare men would disagree. But unlike most women, most guys do not mind at all having being groped by their wives. This can be a great type of foreplay when a couple is out on a romantic date, or when they are driving home from some place, letting him know what is soon to follow.
  17. Legs spread. A lot of women think this kind of thing is un-lady like. In marriage nothing could be further from the truth. There are few things sexier to a man than when his wife pulls up her skirt to reveal no underwear and invites her husband into his favorite garden to enjoy his choice fruits (there is a reference to this in the Song of Solomon).
  18. Variety of positions and places. Try to make sure you have variety in your sexual positions, don’t get dogged down in one position, many couples get stuck on the missionary style. Try having sex in different rooms of your house.
  19. Recognize when sex is not happening. If your husband has not initiated sex in some time, or you seem to have to be initiating all the time, talk to him about it. Ask him if there any problems. Sometimes men take work stress or other stresses home with them when they should not. Gently and respectfully talk to him.
  20. Fake it till you make it! This old saying (not original to me) applies to many areas of life and it certainly applies to being a sexually intelligent wife. Realize that sometimes your feelings will match your sexual actions towards your husband, and sometimes they will not. But what many women come to realize is, once they break out of their sexual comfort zone and start doing these things with their husbands, they soon come to like it! They love the passion it creates in their husband toward them outside of the bedroom and clearly see the rewards of adding these actions and attitudes to their marriage.

Are you saying wives don’t care about sex?

I am sure there are some women reading this that are taking away from this that I believe all women care nothing for sex. That could not be further from the truth. Most women want sex too. They may not want it as often or in the same ways, but they definitely want it.  In some rare instances, some wives want sex more than their husbands do.

But for the vast majority of women, even those with higher libidos, their passion comes from being emotionally and verbally connected with first, and from tender touch. For men their passion starts from and is fueled by their sexuality, and then their emotional connection can come as a result of that passion.


So as a wife you have a choice. Do you want a more passionate marriage? Perhaps if you are a newlywed wife you are wondering how you can keep the passion you are currently experiencing. Then follow these 10 actions (attitudes) and principles, regardless of how you feel at different times and I promise that in 99% of cases the passion in your marriage will never die.

If however you as a wife come to reject most of what I have said here, be sure that sooner or later the passion in your marriage will die. If you say as I have seen some Christian women in Christian forums say, “this makes a Christian wife no more than a glorified prostitute” then you have completely missed what I have said, and again, eventually the passion in your marriage will fade.

Yes if you are married to a Christian man, he may remain faithful to you (as he should), but don’t be surprised when the romantic things he used to do towards you dry up and go away. Don’t be surprised when he gets more involved in his hobbies and his job and does not seem to want to spend as much time with you as he once did. Be prepared for little to no emotional attachment on his part toward you.

Wives – the choice is yours.

36 thoughts on “The 10 actions of the sexually intelligent wife

  1. Well, that took a lot of guts to write. But, having said that – I’ve been married for 42 years to a wonderful, and highly romantic Christian guy, and I can attest to the fact that your advice will serve all wives well.

  2. Yes I went over the wording of this post several times..I did not want people to get the wrong idea that all men want women for is sex…but women need to understand that in same way they are creatures of emotion by Gods design…men are creatures of sexuality also by Gods design..the wise wife will honor this design in ther husband. Thank u for the postive feedback.

  3. “The second type of wife is a feminist, who believes that the way a woman gives and receives love, through emotional and verbal connection is a superior form of love. She looks down on her husband’s need for sexual variety, or the fact that he may want to have sex the moment he comes in the door without saying a word. This to her is the very definition of shallowness.”
    Wait, what? I can’t speak for all feminists but they love/want sex as much as any other women. While feminists believe they have a right to their bodies and have a right to say no to their husbands if they aren’t in the mood for sex, which I get that you don’t believe in. But don’t say they don’t like sex. I’ve read several articles ( I’m on my phone and its too much of a hassle to look them up.) that feminists have more sex and better sex in their marriages. They tend to be more vocal about what they like, which leads to them enjoying sex more, which leads to them initiating sex more/accepting initiated sex with their husband.
    There was a famous RADICAL feminist in the 1970′s/80′s ( again sorry for being lazy but I can’t open 2 windows on my phone.)
    That wrote in some famous book that all sex was rape which has led to the stereotype that I hate that feminists don’t like/want sex. (She was a sexually abused lesbian, I remember that much, so I don’t think she really has any perspective on straight sex.)
    So while yes, it can be said that a feminist held that opinion that’s not what feminists believe. It’s like fringe Christians that don’t believe in kissing before marraige, fringey and on the extreme side of the scale. I’m getting on a tangent.
    My point is that depending on the women, especially if she’s been sexually abused or has a naturally sex drive most feminists I’ve come across think that sex = super happy fun time. More please.

  4. I was not saying women…including feminists don’t like sex. I even mention this very issue at the end of my article. I come to this position from debates I have had with Christian and non Christian feminists and egalitarians on forums online over the last few years. They like sex…but it has to be on their terms and exactly as u say..only when they are in the mood. From a biblical perspective a woman’s body belongs to her husband and his body belongs to her. The Bible states sex should only NOT happen by mutual consent in marriage. I agree a husband should romance his wife…but the Bible does not place any prerequisites on sex on marriage…it is a duty..however I think sex is much better when a husband tries to cultivate an emotional connection with his wife and when she tries to look at sex from his perspective

  5. I don’t really care what married couples do in the bedroom behind closed doors as long as its consensual, and I think only a fool or someone with a low sex drive or someone that doesn’t love their partner would let the sex die. But there’s reasons why a woman wouldn’t be in the mood. (Depression, exhaustion, medical pelvic pain issues, resentment (which should be worked out ASAP for both the sake of the relationship and their sex lives.)
    I’m not being rude or facetious, I’m genuinely curious. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone whose not in the mood? It can’t be pleasant to have them just lying there enduring it. If a woman doesn’t want it it’s painful, and if it keeps going like that after a couple times pretty soon she’ll start to associate sex with negativity instead of pleasure. Then she’ll never want to do it and the relationship will get in a viscous circle with 2 unhappy people stuck with a crap sex life.

  6. I agree with u that no normal or loving husband wants to do it with a woman who just lies their like she is doing her duty or does not want to do it. I also mentioned in my post that there may be times for medical or other reasons that a wife may have to gently turn her husband down and give him a rain check..again a loving husband will understand these situations…but contrary to popular belief..women are capable of faking interest in sex even when the mood is not always there…it should not have to be that way all the time…but sometimes it is called for because while men and woman both want sex..wives may not be in the mood as much as their husbands and the sex life of a married couple should never be limited to only when both people are in the mood. Again this is a Biblical concept that I know is strange to many unfamiliar with Christian teachings om sexuality. The Bible basically says if one person is in the mood…the other should willingly give themselves to the other..whether it is the husband or wife in need.

  7. Great points and from a male POV, dead on. This is probably meant more for women to read but I must commend your comments. I stumbled on this from pinterest and at a time that I am looking for loving ways to help my wife change her mindset and seek out a sex positive christian woman (or blogs) to mentor her. Any suggestions are appreciated. God Bless!

  8. drogasm,

    Its very difficult to find Christian blogs, from a woman’s point of view, that teach the Biblical model of what a woman should be(including how she should meet her husbands sexual needs). There are many Christian woman’s blogs, and even some that teach some on Biblical Gender Roles, and submission, but I have yet to find one that combines all the elements.

    I can think of a few blogs Christian female bloggers that I agree, for the most part with on submission and role of women and men in marriage. However I have yet to find a Christian woman’s blog, that full accept man’s sexuality as designed by God, in total. Some of them may accept some aspects of man’s sexuality, but they deny other aspects.

  9. Combining #13 with #15 is a powerful combination for the loving, sexually intelligent wife. The wife who initiates oral sex frequently sends a powerful, loving message to her husband. In too many marriages, the husband has to ask, or even beg for oral sex. Sadly, there are many Christian wives who rarely give oral sex and their husbands (rightly) feel deprived of this special pleasure and deep intimacy. An enthusiastic wife who freely and joyfully gives oral sex in addition to having frequent intercourse is strengthening the marriage bond with her husband.

  10. Certainly a husband should perform oral sex on his wife, but he would need to check if she actually wants it. Some women would absolutely die for their husbands to do that, but other women have a problem with it. On the male side I would guess 90% of guys would like it, and the 10 percent I wouldn’t understand why.

  11. If you are truly having a servants heart, why wouldn’t you give your spouse the most intimate act possible when they desire it? Think about the trust to allow someone to be that close to you and potentially could hurt you both emotionally and physically. And for sensation, you can touch, taste, smell, hear, and see your spouse in a way no one else is allowed. you get to see and feel them excited in a way only you can provide. what a gift both giving and receiving. Sadly, it is a hurdle some can’t overcome. We all come with diff baggage and obstacles to overcome. Personally, I love giving and would like to receive but my spouse isn’t there…yet, Lord willing.

  12. I must commend you on this article! It takes true guts to right an article on such a subject as this especially in the world we live in today where everyone has an opinion and is usually an opposing on and they share such opinions so harshly! Also, very well written, I enjoyed reading! Having said that, I myself, am not a Christian. However, my husband is a very devote Catholic, yes, we are an unlikely pair! I must say though, I fully agree with you on this subject and you did such a fantastic job on stating your claim about why such is important and backing up your claims! I can honestly say, when I initate anything sexual, I can see the light in my husbands eyes and that is well worth it!! Praise to you and your article!!

  13. I say this in all seriousness and sincerity and without spitefulness or malice. For the sake of creating empathy, appreciation, and understanding for your wives… I would just like to submit that all of the men who think their wives should “freely and joyfully” perform oral sex on them as often as possible should: buy dildos which resemble your own penises, make sure said purchase smells like your manhood (as I know men are not always freshly showered when they insist upon oral sex), ask your wife to show you the positions she is in when she performs oral sex for you, set a timer for as long as you normally take to enjoy the act, assume these positions and practice the act on your purchase. Be sure to make the situation realistic, lasting as long as it takes, not being alone in privacy but rather having someone watch you while you try to look sexy, remember never to accidentally use teeth, insert it as far as it will go and often even if it makes you feel ill. Don’t stop until the timer goes off even if your eyes water. The only thing you cannot replicate is the mouthful at the end but if you really wanted to understand what it is like for your wife, you could end by drinking some hot unsweetened condensed milk. This will probably not get posted but I mean it to be a positive suggestion to inspire men to try it as an act of compassion and understanding. To understand that for a lot (not all) of women, oral sex is not very pleasant. Women are good at faking it but if men truly could experience the act, maybe they could enjoy it more knowing what it means for some women to give it to them? Also, maybe it can inspire couples to find ways to make the experience good for both the husband and the wife. Thanks for considering sharing this idea.

  14. MutualUnderstanding:

    You raise some valid concerns, but these can be rather easily addressed and remedied. A wife can have her husband shower or wash his genital area before giving oral sex to him. If after she asks him to do this, he does not do so she can take a wash cloth to his genital area before starting. The husband can trim or shave his pubic hair regularly as this helps make the act easier for his wife. Try various positions to find what works best for you; and move from one position to another during the act if that helps you to be more comfortable. If you are kneeling in front of your husband, you can place a pillow or a folded towel under your knees to lessen discomfort. As to looking sexy, enthusiasm is “sexy”. Being enthusiastic while you give oral love is highly arousing for your husband. (Enthusiasm is more important than technique.) The wife can easily control how much of her husband’s “manhood” she takes inside her mouth by using her hand in combination with her mouth while she performs oral sex for him. (Tip: The more sensitive areas of the penis are near the top or “head” of it. Thus, she need not take in so much of the shaft that she is “choking” on it.) As well, the length of time can be worked through by varying the actions. The wife can and ought to give her mouth and jaw a rest periodically by switching to hand stroking for 10 or 15 seconds every minute or so. Try gentle licking instead of always sucking. Incorporate other actions to help him reach climax in a reasonable time (such as caressing and stroking his testes). As to the mouthful at the end, ask him to signal you when he is approaching his climax and then control how far you have him inside your mouth at the finish – that may make it easier to handle. With practice, you may find that you are able to swallow as he ejaculates. Swallowing quickly once he is done gets the semen out of your mouth quickly. (The wife can have a glass of juice or water nearby for drinking afterwards.)

    From the tone of your comment, MutualUnderstanding, I am guessing that your husband takes a long time to climax during oral sex. A longer time can contribute to physical discomfort, yes, such as jaw and neck strain. But, there are ways to work around this and help him reach climax in less time. Let’s not go negative on this form of loving intimacy because of some prior bad experiences with it.

    Most husbands do appreciate the efforts of their wife in this activity. Both the wife and the husband are vulnerable during oral sex. Yet, the trust, acceptance, and respect (all ingredients of love) they have for each other allows them to be comfortable and confident even while being vulnerable. There is a deeply shared intimacy in oral sex if the spouses approach it as a loving experience, and not a demeaning or degrading one. Receiving oral love is not merely physical for the husband.

    You raise a critical point here: “Also, maybe it can inspire couples to find ways to make the experience good for both the husband and the wife.” Yes, the experience can be made more enjoyable (“good”) for the wife! (We address this at length in our latest essay on oral sex over on our blog.) The biggest factor is cultivating a positive mental attitude towards giving oral love to your husband. With a more positive attitude, the physical issues (challenges) are easier to deal with. Oral sex is a giving act, but the wife can (and ought to) enjoy it; and the oral sex does strengthen the loving, sexual bond between the spouses.

  15. I have a few questions:
    1.I can easily understand how sex is a gift for men, but as a woman who was raped and abused in childhood I can not see how it is a gift for women. Could you please explain in what ways sex is a gift for women.
    2. BGR said: “Unless what he is asking you to do something with your appearance that feels blatantly immoral, then you should do it.” Feelings aside, can a woman dress in a way that is blatantly immoral? If so, how?
    3.Larryzb said: “Receiving oral love is not merely physical for the husband”. and “The biggest factor is cultivating a positive mental attitude towards giving oral love to your husband.” In what ways is oral love more than physical for the husband? How do I cultivate a positive mental attitude towards oral and sex in general?

  16. LOL at the “Mutual Understanding’s” comment!

    Larryzb answered it great though 🙂

    I actually really do enjoy giving my husband oral sex. It’s fun, I even like his taste and pretty much everything about it. It’s all very sensual. I can see how some women wouldn’t be interested in doing that or feel grossed out by it though. Those kinds of likes and dislikes should be talked about openly **before** marriage – that way a man who craves oral, won’t be stuck for life with a woman who wants to vomit when she thinks about it. Just really sad that people sometimes marry someone who wasn’t really “right” for them and then have to live with the consequences for decades on.

    I just read that one of the main reasons men get so tempted to view porn or go to prostitutes is because they crave oral sex from their wives, but the wives usually really dislike it and refuse to do it. I think a man going out and sinning in this way is wrong, but it’s interesting to me to see that oral sex (the wife not liking it) factors in to him having temptation to look outside the marriage.

  17. Adrienne,

    I’m so sorry for what you went through as a child. Sexual molestation, abuse, and rape can have long-lasting psychological impacts on both men and women, especially when they experience these things in childhood years before their sexuality really develops. Sexual predators, particularly those who prey on children, take something that’s supposed to be mutually pleasurable and unifying for husbands and wives* and turn it into something that violent, violating, and ugly. It’s not surprising or shameful that you’ve developed these feelings about sex as a result of your past. The best thing for you to do if you’re seeking marriage and want to have a good sex life with your spouse would be to seek out a therapist who can work with you on these specific issues. And of course, if you haven’t been to counseling or else didn’t find a counselor who worked well with you at all, you should seek out someone to help you work through what happened and all of your feelings about it.

    *Women are also designed to receive sexual pleasure from their husbands. It seems that the mental/emotional aspect of sex is extremely important to a woman’s pleasure, but they can also get a lot of physical pleasure from their husbands’ attentions to their body. I know that a lot of people point out that the clitoris is the only organ that functions solely for pleasure and orgasm, but it really does show that God wanted women to get physical pleasure from sex and that he didn’t want sex to merely be a duty that they undergo without the ability to enjoy it. Then you have the fact that women’s skin, especially on the neck and inner thighs, as well as their breasts and nipples are particularly sensitive (usually in a good way) to touches and kisses. This means that men’s visually motivated desires to kiss and caress their wives’ bodies can make their wives feel really good.

    Again, don’t feel bad if you don’t see sex that way yet. Your only “sexual” experiences were painful and abusive, and I could understand too if it made you fear any physical or emotional enjoyment that you might get from being stimulated. It’s normal for someone to feel the way that you do after what you’ve been through. As I said above, men who were sexually abuse in childhood also often face tremendous roadblocks when it comes to being comfortable with and acknowledging their sexual arousal and enjoyment. This isn’t even just about your gender. It’s about your experiences, and there’s no shame in needing help from God and from trained professionals in learning to live with and move forward from incredibly traumatic (and from the sound of it, repeated) experiences.

  18. And to add on Adrienne,

    Focus on coming to terms in general with what happened to you before you worry about how you feel about sex.

  19. Alex, you answered that really well and very kind.

    I agree with your second comment as well for Adrienne. It would be more than fine to first come to terms with healing from what happened 😥 and then sort out positive views of sex and learning to enjoy her body sexually.

    And… all the sex stuff needs to be worked out before marriage. If or when Adrienne gets married, it would be best to let the husband know beforehand what she’s been through and if she still has hangups thinking about certain things. All of that has to be known upfront so he can decide if he wants to deal with the sexual issues they’ll have possibly at the beginning, and so that he can even help her heal. If he doesn’t know (if she hides this from him) it will create huge problems going forward.

    So it’s really important to seek help for how to overcome sexual abuse 😦 Prayers for you, Adrienne, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.

  20. @Stephanie,

    I definitely agree that it’s important for Adrienne to seek healing for her past before getting married. Entering into a sexual relationship with her husband before she’s sought help may only worsen her trauma, and it won’t be good for her or fair to him. It’s also important for her to be upfront with her husband about what she’s been through. It’ll really be vital for their ability to develop a healthy sex life. Like you said, he’ll need to be aware of the challenges, and he’ll also be able to help her with her healing.

  21. I have been married for 20 years, sorry for not clearing that up earlier. My husband knew about the abuse before we got married. His way of helping me deal with the abuse was to “recreate” it, if you will. For example, one memory I have is waking up to being fondled while being spooned by my abuser. My husband frequently wakes me up by fondling me or I wake up to him pushing my legs apart and penetrating me. Everytime he does this I pretty much wake up fighting and in a lot of fear, but he will not stop. This is one of the things he has done to “help me”. This among other things such as forcing me into 3 somes and whatnot. Even when we first got married he had a “it is in the past, forget it all ready” kind of mindset about it. I have never had a positive sexual experience. All my husband cares about is getting “his” sex and getting it the way he wants. During a fight years ago he told me he is sick of my sexual issues and said(and I quote,) “I thought all abused girls were freaks, figures I married the one prude out of the bunch” I am relieved lying isn’t necessarily a sin b/c I have been faking everything, even my love for more than a decade. Only recently has he apologized for being that way and SEEMS to be trying to be compassionate and understanding. He says he wants a loving, intimate relationship, the very thing he mocked me for YEARS for wanting. I feel like it is too little, too late as I am completely repulsed by him , sex, and pretty much and physical contact at this point. I am at a complete loss on what to do at this point. Especially since I really couldn’t care less. I only want to please God, which is why I am trying at all…

  22. @Adrienne,

    Sorry for all of the confusion! The first point still stands, which is to seek counseling if you haven’t already. This isn’t just about your sex life or your husband. This is about your own mental wellness.

    As for your experiences with your husband, I’m also very sorry. I don’t know why he thought that recreating your abuse would be helpful. It sounds like he’s only worsened your trauma and given you even more reason to feel repulsed by sex. And of course, his selfishness and even cruelty (i.e. trying to recreate the abuse) would make it difficult for you to want to be generous with him.

    As for where you are now…the first question that I would ask is if your husband has stopped recreating things. If he hasn’t, I really would see that as a form of physical as well as sexual abuse and would argue that you have a biblical case for divorce. You really don’t have to stand for that or submit to that.

    But if he’s changing his ways sexually and you really do want to make things work, then I think that you both need to attend counseling together so that you can work together to resolve past problems and figure out what you need to do moving forward. You and your husband obviously can’t just flip a switch and undo years of damage with a few promises to try to do things differently now.

  23. @Adrienne,

    I missed that your husband has also forced you to participate in threesomes. That’s something that he has no right to do. He cannot demand that you commit a sin. Additionally, he was wrong and uncaring to compel you to do something that he knew would worsen your trauma. It really sounds like you’ve submitted to a lot of abuse, physical, sexual, and psychological, in your marriage, and I really don’t think that divorce in this case would be sinful. Your husband has done far more than pursue his desire for sex. He’s forced himself on you in ways that have deepened the trauma of your past abuse. If you have a pastor or trusted mentor to whom you can talk, I’d ask them what they think about a potential divorce or about counseling.

  24. And sorry for the triple post. I just wanted to add that the way that your husband has acted is not simply a typical result of his masculine desire for sex. One of my best friends also suffered from sexual abuse as a child. She’s been married for several years now, and she and her husband have been able to have a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life. Part of that comes from her having gotten therapy for her PTSD, but her husband’s willingness to talk with her and figure out what does and doesn’t trigger her trauma sexually has also helped. And over time, she’s gotten more and more comfortable with more and more things because she feels safe with him.

  25. Adrienne,

    From your very first comments I was not sure if you were a troll(someone who purposefully places fake stories or comments to get a desired reaction). When you talked about Pastors saying women did not have souls that was a huge red flag for me as I have yet to ever meet or hear of one that does today. I know in the past it has been alluded to but not recently. But I went with your comment because I felt even if you were a troll it is still helpful to address the fact that women do have value to God. But our modern idea of what gives a person their value (whether as a man or woman) does not match what our society says gives us our value. I am glad I was able to reiterate that truth with my audience.

    But your comments here that the way your husband “helps” you deal with your abusive past is by recreating it by doing things that happened to you and just as an aside he forces you to do threesomes is sending up another big red flag for me that you may in fact be a troll. You are welcome to convince me with otherwise. But unless otherwise convinced I am going to put you on the blacklist this for this site.

    Now on the off chance that I am wrong and all these crazy things have really happened to you – like Pastors telling you women don’t have souls and your husband literally recreating things that you told him about sexual abuse and forcing you into threesomes this is my response to your situation:

    The behavior your husband is engaging in is the very definition of sadistic behavior which is deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. Are there men and women that are sadists who enjoy emotionally or physically torturing their spouses? Yes.

    If you are not a troll and your husband is truly physically forcing you to engage in threesomes this is a form of physical abuse and you have every right to divorce him not to mention he is forcing you into doing sexually immoral acts.

    Let me address the situation with you waking up to him fondling you or spreading your legs apart to penetrate you. Is this act of a husband touching his wife while she sleeps or even engaging in sexual intercourse that wakes her up a sin in and of itself? I do not believe so. A wife belongs to her husband – he is her owner. Even from the wife’s perspective if her husband were sleeping and the wife decided to manually stimulate him and then get on top of him would that be a sin? Again no it would not be. She has the right to touch his body because she married to him.

    The reason this act could be sinful is if it is done with sadistic motives as you have painted here in this story. If a man or woman purposefully does something to their spouse in order to inflict pain and emotional trauma and they receive pleasure from seeing their spouse in pain or emotional trauma that is a sin before God.

    I already said if he physically forced you to engage in threesomes that would be a form of physical abuse and you could divorce him for that.

    But what if he were not forcing you into threesomes?

    What if all he was doing was being selfish and sadistic in your sex life?

    Please don’t misunderstand me when I used the word “all” in the last question. For a man to be selfish or sadistic toward his wife with his sexual desires or in other ways is huge problem and it is a sin against God. When I have come across real world situations of actual abuse of husbands against their wives it turns my stomach and I know it turns God’s stomach too. But today we have completely bastardized the word “abuse“. If someone just hurts our feelings with an unkind tone we say they have “verbally abused us”. This is the feminization of our society. We have become pansies.

    But what should a wife do whose husband is sadistic and selfish – yet he does not force her to engage in sexual or other immoral acts and he does not actually physically abuse her? So everything he does is basically REAL mental and emotional abuse – what does she do then?

    Then answer to that question is the same answer I give husbands who are married to sadistic, selfish or rebellious and un-submissive wives.

    What if a man has a wife who is constantly disobeying him? He tells her to do one thing and she does the opposite. He disciplines her by various Biblical means and she still stubbornly defies him. Does he have the right to divorce her? The answer is NO. God has given him this burden in the form of his wife’s behavior. He needs to depend on God for his grace to get through the trial that is his wife.

    What if he is married to a wife who follows the letter of the law regarding women giving their husbands their bodies but not follow the spirit of that same law? What if she just lays there like a star fish telling him to get it over with? Can he divorce such a cruel and selfish woman? The answer is NO. Again he must pray for God’s grace to help deal with his wife’s cruelty.

    In the same way that men are sometimes called to live with cruel, sadistic and selfish wives sometimes wives are called to do the same when they are married to cruel, sadistic and selfish husbands.

    Contrary to the American ideal – the Bible does NOT say we have a right to happiness – but rather it calls us to find joy even in trials of life.

  26. Upon a re-read, I think that you may be right. Her story did seem suspiciously dark, and it did seem like she may have been testing Stephanie and me a bit. I wanted to err on the side of caution at the time, but I see what you mean about not feeding trolls.

  27. I think your 11th point can also be a great help for women in that it can give them ideas and influence. When my husband looks at another woman I make sure to take her all in. Her hair style, clothing, body language and body shape and even if she notices my husband checking her out and her reaction to it. I want to see what turns him on so that I might improve myself to visually please him. I’m also very proud to be his wife so I enjoy seeing another woman smile when she catches him checking her out!

  28. I have a question… I am very interested in sex with my husband. I actually feel loved this way. I don’t know if i am just insecure or if this is the truth but my husband doesn’t seem very interested all the time. We average once maybe twice a week, some weeks but i would like to have sex every day or every other day. Why not? We have willing and able bodies and we are young and can. He seems stressed a lot, and always tired. He never wants to take showers with me. He’s so particular about clean up and whats “easiest” don’t get me wrong, sometimes he is super into it! But not as much as i wish he was so it makes me feel insecure and keeps me from being overly sexual sometimes. It makes me insecure to bend over or dress a certain way because i’m fearful or rejection (he’s never rejected me by actually saying no, he’s always done it when i ask) but he doesn’t get so turned on and overly excited to the point where he cant resist me, and that feels like rejection to me. Him being passive and slow to the bedroom and being willing is great but i miss when we were so passionate, which was unfortunately before we were married, he could barely go a day without having sex with me.

    Am i doing something wrong? When i’ve brought these things to his attention he says things like “i do want you and find you very attractive, i love you and want to have sex with you. I’ve never turned you down. I am very happy with our sex life” But he actions just sometimes seem “mehh” to me ? I miss the feeling of feeling very desired and wanted and i dont want to tell him that and make him feel more pressure than he already may since i’ve brought it up a few times?

    One conversation i said something like “I’ve decided to just let you innitate from now on because i was always initiating” and he said something like “well i dont think that’s a good idea”

    So i know he wants me to sometimes? But how can i continue to be openly sexy and sexual with him with full confidence and go all out in my sexuality towards him like i want to with out feeling insecure and rejected from his lack of enthusiasm?

  29. Niki,

    While this does not happen as often, there are some rare cases where the woman wants sex more than the man. It is especially rare in the younger years and when this “flip” happens is actually more in the older years(like 60s). It can be stress at work, financial stress or other things at home. It could be an issue of low testosterone. It could be the wife making sex very difficult for the husband by correcting during him too much or too harshly during sex. But I am going to guess here that in your situation it is “none of the above”.

    In your husband’s case it is simply the fact that he has a lower sex drive than you. The reason your husband’s drive was so high before you were married was because of the excitement factor of a new relationship. In most stories I hear from people it usually the opposite situation. It’s men telling me their wives were all over them before marriage or just after marriage but then all of a sudden they did not care about sex anymore and never initiate. That is because for most women excitement is primary motivating factor in sex, the newness, the butterflies of the relationship. Most men don’t care about the newness and still want to have sex every other day well into their 50s before things start to slow for them.

    But unfortunately your husband is not like most men. And you need to come to an acceptance about that unfortunate fact.

    If I were speaking to him man to man would would I tell him he should initiate more even if he does not actually feel like it? Yes. But as his wife it won’t help for you to nag him about this. In fact it could make it worse.

    You have already told him how you feel and that is all you can do. God expects you to do your part and leave your husband’s part to God.

    You asked this question:

    “So i know he wants me to sometimes? But how can i continue to be openly sexy and sexual with him with full confidence and go all out in my sexuality towards him like i want to with out feeling insecure and rejected from his lack of enthusiasm?”

    My answer is – enjoy the times he wants you. Don’t get bitter and try and reject him or act less enthusiastic because he does not want you as often you want him. You continue to keep doing what is right toward him even if he does not do everything right toward you. You make a full 100% effort even if he may only be doing a 50% effort.

    Trust me – bitterness or constant disappointment over unmet expectations is a marriage killer. Do not give into that spirit. Focus on what your husband does right and not what you wish he would do better.

  30. Thank you for speaking bluntly.
    I am a 44year old christian woman and are very open for new ideas to persue my husband.

  31. Decades ago I overheard an older woman say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I felt bad for her husband. A lonely penis attached to a married man creates a lonely heart.

    I thank God that for our 36 years of marriage, my wife has not allowed my penis to become lonely. She has my heart.

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