“I have read your site for some time, but this is my first time writing you. My wife and I have been married a year. She is 18 and I am 24. Now I am trying to get my wife to follow her role as I begin to assume my role as leader. I am six years older than her, but that seems to just make it worse. She keeps saying “You are not my father!” She was raised in a strict family and I guess she thinks now that she is married, she is free from all authority. I have recently put both of us on a budget. I have created a budget and I keep my side, but she keeps overspending on hers.
I read your article on 7 ways to discipline your wife and you recommend taking away her debit card. I know I could do this, but in my view, that should be the last option. I am considering starting spanking her. I have mentioned it to her, not on the budget, but in general and she is against it. She thinks spanking is treating her like a child.
I read your warning about a wife reporting a husband for spanking her and my wife would not do that. She was taught to resolve family issues inside the family. She complained to her mom about something in our marriage a few months into our marriage and her mom told her she did not want to hear about it; “You and your husband need to work that out” is what her mom told her.
My question to you is, do you think I am making a mistake trying to incorporate spanking as a form of discipline in our marriage? Should I just take away her debit card and give her some limited cash?
We are very early in our marriage and I know this is the time when we will set the pattern for the rest of our marriage and I really would appreciate your guidance in how to do that.”
What you just read was an email I received from a young Christian husband calling himself Robert.
Whether or not he realizes it, what Robert is really asking is “How can I as Christian husband groom my young wife?”
Grooming is Sinful in Humanism but Sacred in the Bible
Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary defines the verb definition of groom as “to clean and maintain the appearance of (an animal), to make neat or attractive, to get into readiness for a specific objective” and this fits with the traditional understanding of this word.
But humanists see grooming as one person conditioning another person to allow them or someone else to abuse them. The term is often associated with pedophiles preying on children, sex traffickers conditioning women for prostitution or husbands conditioning their wives to allow them to abuse them.
According to SecularHumanism.org, a core tenant of humanism is the freeing of “the individual from traditional controls by family, church, and state, increasingly empowering each of us to set the terms of his or her own life”. This is why the concept of one person exerting control over another is heresy to a humanist while conversely consent is sacred.
And this is why “grooming” is a trigger word for humanists.
But from a Biblical perspective, grooming when used in the sense of a husband conditioning his wife to be in complete subjection to him and molding her behavior to his preferences is not evil or immoral. But rather, these actions are righteous, holy and required of husbands by God.
Remember that Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary definition of grooming was “to clean and maintain the appearance of (an animal), to make neat or attractive, to get into readiness for a specific objective” and now let’s compare that definition to what the Bible calls husbands to do toward their wives in Ephesians 5:25-27:
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Look at the striking parallels between the way God requires husbands to love their wives as Christ loves his church and what grooming actually is. So, we can rightly say as Christians that the Biblical call for husbands to wash their wives with the Word of God to present their wives to themselves in a glorious fashion is a call for husbands to groom their wives.
And one thing I want to mention for my humanist friends out there that are in major trigger mode right now. Some of them may be hung up on the word “animal” in the definition of grooming. If you look at the definition here you will see these examples of grooming “an impeccably groomed woman, was being groomed as a presidential candidate”. So no, this term is not exclusively used of animals.
Important Prerequisites to Grooming Your Young Bride
Now that we have established that it is not wrong, but actually a man’s God given duty to groom his bride as Christ grooms his Church we need to talk about the prerequisites that should be met before a Christian husband attempts this grooming process with his wife.
Prerequisite #1 – You and Your Young Bride Must Both Be Believers
While there are certainly unbiblical and worldly ways to groom a young bride for her husband, the steps given in this guide are based upon the Biblical view of marriage as God designed it. They will only work for a Christian husband and a Christian wife. See my article “What is the Gospel” for more on what it means to be a believer in Christ.
Prerequisite #2 – You and Your Wife Need to Be Biblicist Christians
There are two kinds of Christians today. Humanist Christians and Biblicist Christians. Humanist Christians only believe the parts the Bible that do not conflict with the morals and values of humanism. They rationalize this by saying they believe many parts of the Bible are “cultural” and were not meant for all peoples and all times. Other humanists attempt to play the words of Christ in the Gospels against the words of the Apostle Paul not realizing that these words are equally the Word of God.
But for this grooming guide to work you must be Biblicist Christians. You and your young bride must believe what 2 Timothy 3:16 states that “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness”. And you both must believe that God commands you to live “by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4).
Prerequisite #3 – Grooming works best with young wives
Even if you are both Biblicist Christians, age is a major factor in a man grooming his wife. In my experience, the grooming of a bride has the most success in women under the age of 25. After that the chances of success radically fall, even with believing wives. But with that said, I have seen instances where husbands and wives married more than two decades have been able to make these changes. It really comes down to husbands finding their courage and women humbling themselves before God and their husbands.
7 Steps to Groom Your Young Bride
Now that we have discussed the prerequisites to being able to groom your young bride, we can now discuss the steps you as a Christian husband need to take.
Step #1 – Un-learn What Your Culture Has Taught You
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Romans 12:2 (KJV)
God calls us to un-learn the false teachings of this world that we have been conditioned with our entire lives. This will require a radical world view change for both you and your wife. One of the hardest changes to make for many couples is the rejection of the “adult/child” paradigm. Our modern culture teaches us that there are only two primary social classes, adults and children. Children have limited rights until they reach adulthood and then they have full autonomy. The Bible does not recognize the adult/child paradigm but rather it specifies three primary classes of people within society and those are men, women and children. Under God’s law, the social class of men are the only ones who have full autonomy. Women are to be under the authority of men in the home, the church and society at large. And children are to honor and obey their fathers and mothers.
It is impossible to fully embrace the teachings of the Bible concerning gender roles without a husband and wife first being willing to fully reject the modern teaching of the adult/child paradigm. When a Christian wife comes to reject the adult/child paradigm, the whole “you are not my father” and “you are treating me like a child” will quickly disappear.
For more on this subject see my article “John Locke’s Invention of the “Adult” Social Class”.
Step #2 – You Must Learn and Embrace Biblical Gender Roles
“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”
2 Timothy 2:15 (KJV)
An understanding and full acceptance of the doctrines of the Bible concerning gender roles is a critical first step for you as a husband to begin the grooming process with your wife. You can find the Scripture references for all these doctrines on my main “Biblical Gender Roles” page.
Step #3 – Seek out a Male Spiritual Mentor
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”
Proverbs 27:17 (KJV)
Finding a wise and godly man to mentor you will be crucial to helping you as you seek to groom your young bride.
Step #4 – You must teach your wife Biblical Gender Roles
“And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home…”
1 Corinthians 14:35 (KJV)
God calls you to be your wife’s primary spiritual teacher. Once you have fully absorbed and embraced the teachings of the Bible concerning gender roles, you must then teach each of these doctrines to your wife. I would suggest you use the order I give on my Biblical gender roles page, as each doctrine builds on the previous one given. You should also seek advice from your mentor as to how to approach each of these important doctrines with your wife.
Step #5 – Get Your Wife A Female Spiritual Mentor If You Can Find One
“The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
Titus 2:3-5 (KJV)
The Bible does not just support the concept of female mentorship, but it actually commands it. You may hear some horror stories from older men whose wives were actually led astray by ungodly advice from their girlfriends at church or elsewhere. But mentoring by good and godly women who fully embrace and live out Biblical gender roles can have life changing effects on women.
Unfortunately in our post feminist society, it is extremely difficult to find a good Christian female mentors. Even among many traditionalist female bloggers, they do not fully teach the complete mastery of the husband over his wife and often in sexual areas will give women “outs” so that they do not have to fully submit to their husbands in this area.
Having said that there a couple of female bloggers on Instagram who offer daily messages for women teaching them how to be godly wives and those are thetransformedwife and biblicalfeminitybootcamp on Instagram. I don’t agree with these ladies on everything and both do not speak about wives receiving the discipline of their husbands – which is a big gap in their teaching. But on general submission issues and day to day struggles for wives they are pretty good.
Having said all this about female mentors, I do not want you as a husband to think if you can’t find a female mentor that you can’t groom your wife on your own, because you certainly can. A female mentor who supports Biblical gender roles including the critical aspect of a husband’s discipline of his wife, is a gem and makes it much easier, but you can do it without a female mentor.
Step #6 Mold Your Wife into the Glorious Wife You Want Her to Be
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:25-27 (KJV)
Christ did not give up his life for his wife’s happiness. He gave up his life to purchase his wife (Acts 20:28) so that he could groom her into the wife he wanted her to be. And this is what God has called you as a Christian husband to do. In 1 Corinthians 11:7 the Bible tells us that “…the woman is the glory of the man” and in Proverbs 12:4 we read “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband…”. In 1 Corinthians 11:9 the Bible says “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man”. These Scriptures teach that God created your wife for you, to bring you glory and when your wife brings you glory this brings God glory. So, you as a man bring glory to God by your submission and service to him and your wife brings glory to God by her submission and service to you.
What this means practically speaking is that you need to begin to mold your wife to your preferences for her behavior. You should never feel guilting in desiring your wife’s submission and service to you, but rather you should enjoy this as God enjoys our submission and service to him.
So, what are some practical ways that you can groom your wife into the glorious wife you want her to be?
You can make her modify her clothing style to the styles you prefer. You can make her learn to cook the foods you enjoy. You can make her watch the TV shows you like to watch. And in Proverbs 5:18-19 we read one of the greatest ways a husband is actually commanded to groom his wife:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
While husbands are commanded not to deny sexual relations to their wives in Exodus 21:10-11 in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, the Bible never commands wives to make their husbands satisfy them sexually. It does however command men to do just that in the passage above.
A Christian wife’s grooming, her God ordained subjection to her husband, is never complete until she has been groomed to be loving, pleasant and completely sexually satisfying to her husband.
Step #7 – Discipline Your Wife
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent”
Revelation 3:19 (KJV)
The verse above is Christ speaking to his churches after having just rebuked them and threatening to discipline them if they did not repent. Christ associates his rebuke and chastening with his love for his churches. In Ephesians 5:25 the Scriptures tell us “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”. So, if a husband is loving his wife as Christ loves his church, then he will rebuke and discipline his wife. Otherwise he is not loving her as Christ loves his church. Discipline from you toward your wife is crucial for the grooming process to work in the life of your wife.
There are many ways to discipline your wife.
Ten years ago, I would have been against wife spanking as the concept was so foreign to me. I did not know any Christians who engaged in it. But since I started this blog back in 2014, I have had the opportunity to interact with many Christian couples who engage in wife spanking which is commonly referred to as Christian domestic discipline or CDD for short.
I have also had the opportunity to interact with some Christian husband/wife mentor teams who help teach husbands how to spank their wives and also teach the wives how to accept and embrace this kind of physical discipline from their husbands.
Based upon what I have learned and seen over these last few years I can now say the following.
I used to be against wife spanking, then I was neutral to it as I could see no condemnation of it in the Bible and now over the last couple of years I come to see it as the most effective tool a husband can use in his role as a human instrument of sanctification in the life of his wife. And this is not a newly invented disciplinary tool of husbands, but rather wife spanking was fairly common throughout history before the last 50 years or so.
Whenever I speak on wife spanking, I must issue the following cautionary note.
While it is a husband’s God given right to use spanking as a form of discipline on his wife (with or without her consent), a husband should be wise in regard to the hostile culture we live in. We live in culture which denies almost all the rights that God has given to a husband including his right to discipline his wife. That means that if you do not have your wife’s consent to spank her and she calls the police on you, you may go to prison for domestic abuse.
Some of the women who have contacted me over the years were raised in homes where their father spanked their mother and they expected it and even embraced the concept as they entered into their marriages. Others learned of the benefits of CDD for their marriage from other wives and embraced this practice later in life.
But then there are wives who are conditioned to accept and receive spankings from their husbands through my podcasts on discipline for wives on bgrlearning.com. I have separate podcasts for men where I teach them about how to apply discipline in their marriage and then podcasts for wives teaching them how to properly receive and learn from the discipline of their husbands.
For an introduction to the subject of wife spanking before listening to my podcasts see my article “Does the Bible allow a husband to spank his wife?”
And whenever I teach on wife spanking, I always get asked if I spank my wife. The answer is no. And the reason is because my wife comes from a moderate feminist background and she is in her mid-40s which makes her a far less moldable wife. She will never submit to wife spanking. Again, this is not to say that we as Christian husbands cannot or should not engage in discipline toward our wives even if they are older and far less moldable than younger wives. It just means we have to use a different set of non-physical disciplinary tools with our wives. I outline some of these tools in my article “7 Ways to Discipline Your Wife”.
Conclusion
Robert’s question of how to handle his wife’s statement “You are not my father!” will go away quickly once she begins to understand based upon the Bible that she must reject the entire adult/child paradigm that our culture has taught her. When she replaces that with that knowledge that her husband’s authority over her is actually greater, not less than what her father’s authority was things will fall nicely into place.
And Robert’s concern of the six-year age difference is also a result of modern cultural conditioning. Before our post-feminist society, a man being older than his wife was considered an asset, not a liability. It made it easier for him to exercise his authority over her and it made it easier for her to submit to him and respect him.
Another great asset for Robert is his wife’s parents. Too many parents today undermine the authority of their daughter’s husband. But thankfully this is not something Robert will have to worry about.
On the question of whether to pull her debtor card or spank her. I have recently had this question come up from another husband and my answer to him was “both”. While I think that spanking is the most effective disciplinary tool husbands can use with their wives, that does not mean husbands should dismiss other disciplinary tools. Especially when the infractions are financially related, taking away the debtor card is a punishment that truly does fit the sin the wife has committed.
Finally, any husband reading this needs to accept the possibility that his grooming attempts will be met with complete rejection by his wife. Even if she claims to be a Biblicist Christian and even if she is young. This is because sin corrupts us all in different ways.
The feminine human nature that God designed was a submissive one, one which desired to be dominated by the masculine human nature. But sin corrupted both the masculine and feminine human natures that God designed. And sin corrupts these natures in many different ways. Sin can sometimes corrupt the feminine nature making it more dominant than submissive while at the same time it can corrupt the masculine nature making it more passive or submissive rather than dominant as God designed it to be.
All women have their God given submissive natures corrupted to one degree or another. But some have their natures so corrupted that there is little to nothing left of the sweet and submissive nature God meant for women to have.
So, if you find after years of attempting to groom your wife that you are running int a brick wall with her should you just give up on trying to incorporate Biblical gender roles in your marriage? The answer is NO.
You as the man are responsible before God to do everything you can do on your end. If your wife will not submit to spankings as a form of discipline then you move to non-physical forms of discipline like removing the debit card and credit cards while still providing for all her basic needs. You call her out when she disrespects you even she does not receive this. You limit her access to your free time. You lead even if your wife will not follow.
But one thing you never do is surrender to her desire to control your marriage.
And do not fall for the lie of partnership marriage. No marriage is ever a true partnership. Marriage is always a patriarchy or a matriarchy. It might be a soft patriarchy or soft matriarchy where no one explicitly acknowledges being in charge, and the one in charge might actually allow great freedom to the other. But make no mistake, someone is ALWAYS in charge in a marriage. Power vacuums are never left unfilled.
And if you have to dig in for a real spiritual battle with your wife, you must be prepared for the weapons she may attempt to you use against you. You can find out more about that in my article entitled “3 Ways Wives Try to Control Their Husbands“.
Biblical Gender Roles 
If I had this information 30 years ago, my marriage, my entire married life, my wife’s entire married life, and my children’s entire lives would have been so much better.
Getting started young and doing it right from the beginning would have been sooooo much better but men it’s never to late, I finally got serious about it at 25 years of marriage and it took a couple of years to get it worked out but praise God it is so much better now.
Thank you Larry for the truth of God’s word that you teach.
I would like to comment a bit about finances and trust. The young wife has stated that her husband is not her father. Well, if you turn that comment around, he didn’t sign up to adopt a rebellious teenager either. Sticking to a budget is part of being a mature adult. Even if you have a good income you still have to stick to a budget, or the money just flies out the window, and you won’t have anything for an emergency savings account or retirement. But if you are barely getting by and you spend too much, you might not have rent money next month. Perhaps this couple could look at the budget issue as a test. If the wife can show that she can stick to a budget for a certain period of time, then the husband could loosen up a bit and give her little more autonomy. We have to respect the hierarchy in marriage, the chain of command, and the husband gets the final say. But it doesn’t hurt to consider your wife. She wants to feel included, especially if she grew up in a very strict home where the children’s wishes were never considered. One thing I do to make my kids feel more included, but while still putting some limits on them, is to give them a choice of two things. This could be a choice of activities, what food to eat, ect. I have preselected those two options, so they are both acceptable to me, but this allows the kids to be involved in some decision making. Cutting someone out of all decision making can breed resentment, while including them in at least some things can allow the family member to feel cherished. It also prepares them to be able to make good decisions when they are on their own. What if this husband were seriously sick or injured, or had to leave town for work for a period of time? His wife needs to learn how to make good decisions in his absence, and he needs to be able to trust her to do so.
One way to stay on budget is to stick to a cash-only allowance. This could be weekly or monthly. But right now this is difficult because many stores are refusing to take cash with the virus scare. They only accept card. It might be possible for the husband to cut off the wife’s access to the primary account, but then open a secondary account for the wife with the allowance money being directly deposited from primary to secondary every month. Either way, whether she uses cash or a secondary account, once the money is gone, she would not be able to spend again until the next month. It’s not as if the husband can spend all of the money that he makes on what he wants either, as he has to pay for housing, utilities, and other bills. The wife should understand this. If she can learn how to come in under budget each month, then she could save up over time to buy herself a personal item that she’s been wanting. If she wants to earn a little spending money without working outside the home, Amazon has site called Mechanical Turk. Companies post various tasks like data entry or transcription that can be done at home. Another company called Rev.com pays people to do transcripts and closed captioning. These sites don’t employ people, they pay by the task, and it doesn’t pay much, but you can do it around your own schedule. My husband is always entering radio contests. He’s mostly won us free tickets to events, but one time he won furniture. If you look around your community, you’ll probably find all kinds of free events for the family to enjoy.
There are some really good free resources out there to learn how to budget. I’ve found some of Dave Ramsey’s books at the public library. The Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyczyn is also at the library. On Youtube a lady named Jordan Page can show you how to meal plan, grocery shop, and cook, as well as setting up a household budget, and home organizing. I would also recommend that the wife read Laura Doyle’s The Surrendered Wife, and Debi Pearl’s Created to Be His Help Meet. These won’t help with finances, but they will be helpful in her marriage.
Feminist wife: You are not my father
Biblical husband: No I’m not you father, I am your husband, your head and your earthly lord.
Feminist wife: Only Jesus is my Lord. Drop the god-complex
Biblical husband: Sarah was commended as an example to wives for calling Abraham “lord”
Feminist wife: That was an ancient custom. The Bible says we are equal and that husbands must submit to wives just as much as wives to husbands. Your trying to dominate me is unloving
Biblical husband: All scripture is God-breathed and useful for training, correction and reproof. Peter uses the example of Sarah to be normative and moral for all time. Further the Bible does nowhere teach equality between husband and wife. When Paul tells wives to submit to their own husband he is clarifying the command to submit one to another. He is trying to make sure you can’t just made the spurious claim of husband-wife mutual submission like you just did.
Feminist wife: Your twisting the scripture because you don’t respect me.”P
Biblical husband: I’m untwisting the scriptures in order to sanctify you, because I love you. I’m speaking the truth in love.
Feminist wife: Your knowledge of God is only in your head it hasn’t penetrated your heart. If God was in your heart you would know that if you loved me like Christ, you would love me the way I am. You are the one that needs to change not me.
Biblical husband: We are to love God with our heart soul and mind. Just because I use my mind, doesn’t mean I am not whole heartedly Christ’s. Christ loves us enough to sanctify us and make us holy. He tells us to go and sin no more. Your resistance to me is sin and I must as your head lead you to repentance. That means you must stop your rebellion against me. I am God’s appointed authority over you. You are told in scripture to submit to me in all things.
Feminist wife: You are not my head, you are my equal. Eve was formed by a rib not a foot because she was not beneath Adam but beside him and equal. Your job is to make me happy and you are failing miserably because you don’t love me enough or respect me.
Biblical husband: I am your head just as Christ is head of the church. You will never find joy and contentment as long as you contend with me, in fact you are not just sinning, you are blaspheming the Word.
Feminist wife: I can’t take your chauvinism. You don’t respect me. I want a separation.
Biblical husband: It is God’s design that you refuse, not mine. I love you so much that I will not separate but I will discipline you. Just as Christ disciplines all who he loves I will love you. When reason and scripture fail to reach your heart through The ears on your head I am left sanctifying your heart from the bottom. Get over my knee…now!
Also, I don’t want to delve too much into the question of punishment as I think others are more qualified. But I do think that before you jump to punishment, you might consider if the wife knows how to stick to a budget. The husband didn’t mention what his wife spends money on. Is she overspending on personal items or groceries and household stuff? Again, if it’s personal items, then she might have to forgo those things until she can either save up for them or earn the money herself. If it’s groceries, then I wonder if her parents ever taught her about meal planning, shopping, and cooking. Or if she took a class on it. If not, has her husband gone over how to do this with her? It’s one thing to punish her for being disrespectful or rebellious, but it’s another matter to punish her for failing to do something she doesn’t know how to do. As I mentioned before, there are some good resources out there that are free. It should be pretty easy and inexpensive to meal plan and shop for just two people, but there’s more to it than just deciding you want this meal on this day, and that meal on the next, and then going to the store for it. It involves shopping in your own kitchen first (and your backyard if you have a garden), then making a list of the few ingredients you don’t have that will complete the meal. Sometimes you can re-purpose leftovers into a new meal so you’re not stuck eating the same thing for days in a row. Then you study the store mailers to see what’s on sale. I look for meat and produce that’s less than $1 per pound and I stock up on it and freeze some for later. I only buy canned goods when they drop to 50 cents per can, then I buy enough for the year. Over the last few years I’ve slowly built up a stock pile of beans, rice, flour, and other dried goods. I always bring a grocery list so that I don’t impulse buy. I replace disposable items with reusable ones whenever I can. I make my own laundry detergent and household cleaners, as well as skincare products. My husband fixes things instead of replacing them whenever he can. A lot of young people are clueless about these things. They aren’t being taught basic life skills at home or at school, and then they have to learn by trial and error after they leave home. It’s kind of like teaching your kid to swim by throwing them in the deep end and then just walking away. Of course, I don’t know this couple personally, so if I am way off mark here on what is going on, then I apologize.
Jonadab’s dialogue:
*Biblical husband* : Get over my knee…now
*Feminist wife (or almost any wife actually)* : No, I won’t!?!?!? (Has he gone mad???)
^^^ I think that “How can I groom my young wife” is not the only underlying question. I believe the other questions are “How do I introduce wife spanking to a wife who doesn’t agree with the concept? How can I gather my courage and implement it?”
I really feel for this guy because he is going to have a hard fight ahead of him. If his wife is even moderately feminist, which most women are, even “christian” ones, he very much runs the risk of ending up in divorce. If any of his wife’s friends catch wind of his actions THEY can cause trouble. If her doctor or dentist hears about it THEY can cause trouble. The entirety of this godless society has made it so that husbands cannot utilize their god given authority over their wives without running the risk of divorce or jail.
That being said, I would recommend this as well: “Don’t be afraid to let her walk away”. Yes we all want our marriages to last, but SHE is bound to YOU as your wife. YOU are not subject to such restrictions. If she chooses to be disobedient to the point of wanting to leave you remain perfectly within scripture if you choose to take on another wife. She, however, will never be permitted to take another husband. Or, rather, she may be permitted in the sense that the state and the modern church will gladly allow her to marry again and treat her as though nothing is wrong, but if she does so she must stand before the judgement seat an adulteress.
This is a painful option, but if she is completely unredeemable and chooses to live a life of disobedience and disrespect, and after your careful and loving discipline she decides she doesn’t like being married anymore, then cut your losses and find a woman who will respect and obey you.
Snapper,
The good news I can report as of today, is that I have put him in contact with one of the mentoring couples I know. And his wife is a Bible believing Christian, although very immature. But she recognizes her immaturity and is excited to work with this older Christian wife whom I trust very well after conversing with her and her husband for several years. I will be in prayer for them that this mentoring will work wonders for their marriage as I have seen it work for other couples as well.
Praying for this couple as I am for other young couples I know going through this.
Larry
Awesome! That’s a good thing to hear and I will include them in my prayers as well.
Dylan,
I try to keep in mind that I am not trying to win, my goal is the sanctification of my wife. The focus must not be deflected from God’s Holy requirements for wives. It is for the sake of Christ’s kingdom and glory that the engagement takes place. The moment I sense that it is about my fiefdom, comfort or glory I know I must take five to re-center on the real goal, because my sin is now controlling the situation. The confrontation is made easier because I know the scripture and don’t need to think it through on the fly, and I am absolutely convinced that only by my wife submitting to Christ will she find joy and blessings. I am absolutely convinced that her disobedience is blasphemy against the Word. And while I cannot make her choose to humble herself under the word, I also know it cannot continue without my vocal admonition. My acquiesce to her in the past, I now realize was not love, it was my own selfish desire for peace. It was sin for which I must repent.
Don’t get me wrong, I have only arrived at this point by way of a thousand missteps. There has been raised voices, unkind words and emotional manipulations along the way. My marriage is in most ways a calamitous train wreck, yet I am agonizingly diligent to make certain my actions reflects Christ’s toward the church. That means even though I have been rejected, I choose to love my chosen wife, even though my rule is treated with contempt, I still pronounce it, and even when my correction is despised I still lovingly dispense it. Taking up the cross daily is not pleasant, but my hope remains fixed on Christ’s faithfulness not my wife’s. I’m coming up on forty years of marriage and I wish forty years ago I could have brought into the marriage the understanding and conviction that has taken a lifetime to acquire. I wish you an easier road, but in the end our true goal is not an easy life, but to image Christ and that ALWAYS leads to the cross where the flesh is mortified in screeching agony. Remember that this is as true for you as it is for your wife, her repentance is every bit as painful to her flesh as your repentance is to your flesh. The flesh does not die easily.
I may be a young man who isn’t married yet, but if there’s one bit of advice that I can give for men desiring a Christian wife its that it starts long before you say ‘I do.’ When I met the young Christian woman that I’m currently considering as wife material I was firm about what I wanted in a future marriage (that being a Biblical Marriage). This was to give her the option of leaving me should that notion offend her or the like. Once the relationship was firmly underway I decided to start sending her devotions over text message. At first it was just whatever bible verses had popped up on my app that day and after a few weeks of this I started to plan out a Bible Study plan for her based around biblical marriage, sexuality and family. Together we’ve read through books like Ruth, Esther, Song of Solomon, etc and I’ve watched her grow in to a much more spiritually mature young woman. I also dropped the topic of discipline early on too, including spanking. At first she was hesitant as she’d had an abusive relationship in the past and didn’t want a repeat of that but over time she warmed up to the idea to the point where she’s keen to try it. She sees it as romantic that I would do that in our marriage out of love for her. Again, it took time for her to warm up to it and it really helped that I got her genuinely interested in it rather than trying to impose it after the wedding.
A lot of this is due to (apart from Jesus of course) the culture she was raised in. She’s from Africa and in her culture women are expected to submit to their husbands and have children at a young age. This was much more suitable for a man like me who was looking for a Godly young woman than trying to deal with a western ‘Christian’ woman. I suppose one could say that I’ve been ‘grooming’ her from a certain perspective but I see it in a different way. I see it as my taking the dominant, leading role in our relationship and part of that is teaching my future wife about the gospel as 1 Corinthians 14:35 instructs. I never tried to enforce anything upon her, I just tried to teach her what the Bible instructs and let her make her own decisions. I’ve been blessed with her growing into a young woman who genuinely wants to be a Biblical Wife with all that that entails, including loving submission and discipline.
God bless! On the topic of wife spanking, as a young Christian woman myself, I am not opposed to the idea. Feminists have turned their backs on God and the gender roles explicitly outlined in the Bible. Usually, even the so-called “Christian feminists” disregard scripture and the role that God intended women to play in society. Coming from a conservative home in Alabama, I have never believed the foolish narrative that modern feminists are pushing. Kindness, discipline, integrity, and faith are just some of the attributes of a virtuous woman, not stubbornness! Your article was very eye-opening, and I will be showing it to my husband. Our one-year university was just a week ago! Unintentionally I feel I have been overly disobedient in the past to my husband, something I must ask forgiveness not only from him but also from God. Reconsidering society’s gender roles is necessary if we wish to please God and stop America’s path away from Christianity. Someday, I hope that more of my fellow Christian women will realize that God created us to be good mothers and wives, wives that please our husbands. Enough is enough. Learning to embrace God’s plan brought so much clarity to my life. For only through God can we find happiness.
In traditional China, when a family decided to give their daughter to another family they essentially gave her away to adoption so she would be groomed into her future husband’s family. I am starting to think cultures like that and in infamous Afghanistan are the way to go, meaning collectivist rather than this western individualism.
I had a friend in college who is a female of Afghan immigrants. And she believes strongly in islam and wears hijab by her own choice. Yet she cares about women’s rights and says women being “oppressed” in Afghanistan is not due to islam but rather their culture. And after some research she is right. Some of their behavior in Afghanistan is not about religion. Many are also illeterate and cannot even read the Quran (keep in mind the langauge of Afghans is not even Arabic either).
“The western culture” seems to be fundamentally flawed and can therefore not be fixed. Western culture must actually be abolished completely, because individualism is an essential part of it, and individualism leads to feminism because no longer is a country seen as a collective entity led by men and fathers but as a collection of individuals with rights and duties INDIVIDUALLY (so, fundamentally fragmented).
Erik,
You really have hit the nail on the head. While the enlightenment experiment with individualism has lead to great technological and economic advances, it has been detrimental for marriage, families and the national unity of countries that have fully embraced it. Collectivism led by the state such as Communism will always fail as well because it violates the God given property rights of men and fathers. The only type of collectivism that works is one which fully upholds the property rights of men and fathers(including seeing women and children as the property of their husbands and fathers). And men as leaders of their families together work for the benefit of the nation in things like infrastructure, defense and so on. It worked very well for several thousand years before the rise of new individualist and communist systems.
John Locke basically threw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes there were bad kings and tyrants on a national level which violated the rights of men and fathers. And yes there have been horrible and abusive husbands on the individual family level that have violated the God given rights of their wives and children. But you don’t throw out the system of patriarchy because of some bad apples within it. You deal with the bad apples.
This is the same issue we are seeing today with the “defund the police” movement. Calls to tear down the entire concept of having police, because of a few bad apples.
I have crossed over hear into the political zone – for more on my political beliefs from a Biblical perspective see my new blog http://biblicistreport.com/
@BGR
Well, I agree with “abolish police” because no such police system is found in biblical law. People had their own weapons and it was the witnesses of a crime who were supposed to bring suspects to the judges. There is no law of Moses that says people should be hired as hirelings surveilling people and the job of apprehending suspects outsourced to these hirelings. The Bible says the hireling careth not for the flock and it is evident in how the police acts.
Erik,
Well you have just given me a great idea for discussion on my new article on my political blog. When I write on the topic of police from a Biblical perspective I will post the link back here. I would like to keep political discussion over there if possible. I know I waded it into it here a bit, so not saying you did anything wrong in just responding with your opinion to what I said.
“The feminine human nature that God designed was a submissive one, one which desired to be dominated by the masculine human nature. But sin corrupted both the masculine and feminine human natures that God designed. And sin corrupts these natures in many different ways. Sin can sometimes corrupt the feminine nature making it more dominant than submissive while at the same time it can corrupt the masculine nature making it more passive or submissive rather than dominant as God designed it to be.“
AMEN! Early in marriage I struggled with this as the Lord sanctified my heart of the evil feminism that was buried deep within. I wouldn’t have called myself a feminist but I definitely held to a lot of the beliefs. But I couldn’t reconcile those beliefs with scripture (surprise!) and I had a fleshy battle with that for some time. Thankfully through prayer and God’s Word (and my husband’s patience) he changed my heart. I realized I had a natural desire to be submissive and to be under the domination of who God created to be my earthly master — my husband. And ALL women have this desire. It’s how we are created! It satisfies us to our very souls when our husbands cherish us for our obedience and reverence towards him. Women who rebel against this are angry, depressed, anxious, and never satisfied. Men, please don’t be feminine! And never give up on training your wives in this way! Pray the Lord reveals these truths to her and she will be grateful. Patriarchy is the way to go!!