7 Steps to Dealing with a Lazy Wife

You come home from work to find piled up dishes from dinner the night before. Clothes are everywhere and nothing in the house has seemed to move while you were gone – including your wife. Your wife says “Honey I don’t feel like cooking – how about you run and get us some takeout?” How does God want a Christian husband to deal with this situation? Is laziness something that God wants men to confront in their wives or do they need to leave this between their wife and God? Even if they think they should confront this how can a Christian man go about this?

Before we answer these questions from a Biblical perspective I want to share a real life story that I received in an email.  The man who sent me this story goes by the name of Tom.

Tom’s Story

“First off, Thank you so much for seeking to dispel so many paradigms through your thorough study of Scripture.  I’ve spent too many years halfheartedly trying to be a “spiritual leader” in my home, and finally I’m just stepping up to be THE head of my home (as Christ is my head in everything).

I’ve had my share of struggling times, and a couple of the most recent ones I’ve started writing you drafts on!  However, after I get fed up, things seem to turn around before I have the chance to finish.

I’d like to ask of your wisdom when it comes to achieving a well-managed home.  My wife has stayed at home for our marriage, aside from a couple of brief casual jobs, and a part time one that lasted a few months.  We got married as egalitarians I believe, and though both of our parents were fairly traditional (both our moms at home, dads working), they never taught us about egalitarianism or complementarianism.  I think we absorbed a lot MORE than our parents taught simply through church and the culture around us.

Our house is usually messy.  We’ve had periods of incredible organization and tidiness, but it doesn’t seem to last.  I’ve gotten grief from believing / hoping that one day it could be habit for dishes to be cleaned up after a meal, rather than later in the day, or the next day.

My wife has made me some amazing meals, and gone to great lengths a few times to do so.  But more often, some frozen piece of food will be taken out and warmed up (starting at “supper time”) when there is fresh food in the fridge.  I’ve had to learn to shut up and get out of the kitchen more – I enjoy food, and when I have the time I’m willing to cook it.

Today was my “day off”, and my wife was booked away for lunch (a small job we agreed on).  As I’m ordering my kids around to unload/load the dishwasher, set the table, and help out a bit I started to get angry.  Cleaning a day or two of dishes so that I have space simply to make some noodle soup (my wife neither asked me to cook nor provided an idea/plan).   The last 2 days I’ve worked (while with kids for a couple hours) in my home office, and at a regular job.  I bought us a takeout meal on Friday, and cooked part of the meal yesterday.

My whole marriage I’ve resisted complaining, so though we’ve had arguments I’ve never gone to someone else to ask “is this normal”, or “can I not expect more in my marriage”, etc.  When we talk she gets grumpy, or complains that I’m micromanaging her, or if she sees that I really am getting fed up by something specific, she’ll say “Fine.” and go do it with an emotional cloud that I’m positive even the kids can feel in the room.  I come home, or come up from my home office and have to remind her about things that still haven’t been done – it makes me feel like a housewife; except I’m also working pretty full time.  When business is slow I will take a little time off, relax a bit, but also help tidy or put things away, cook, etc.

So many stupid little details that I’m sorry to bother you with, but the backlash I get from talking to her about any expectations is almost as wearying as living in this mess, and wishing I just had time to relax, to play with my kids (rather than stepping in when I can tell they’ve had no attention, few boundaries, or TV/tablets for much of the day). “

We’ve had bigger issues before, and got through them.  We have some great sex, some incredible days together.  But when it’s time to get back to work, I feel we should both work (me in my career, her in our home).  Then we can play together, rather than working in the house together to catch up by the time my work begins again.

After reading the manosphere, I’ve come to realize that idealism and self-awareness is something I’ve naturally pursued, and the fact that she doesn’t seem to pursue it (at least in her role as I do in my role) seems naturally “female”.

For the sake of my sanity, of my love for my children, and desire to have space & peace at home, what can I do?

We do have so much positive, but I’m tired of getting angry at home.

We’ve only ever had one full time income, so she’s noted (many times) that she doesn’t have a “budget” for much furniture (we may buy a few small pieces, or one large piece per year), or other home things.

I had to prioritize my business, and she wanted to start a family, which we began in our first year.  We love our kids, but definitely live simply.

I know you’ve mentioned discipline, but as we don’t have much discretionary income, it’s hard for me to see how I can withhold anything from her.  Family allowance etc. goes straight to her (which is good, she has become better at managing it).  It’s like my personal authority has its limits, and positional authority is better known than mentioned!”

My response to Tom and other men who face the issue of laziness in their wives

While both genders struggle with all types of sins including laziness there are some sins that are more prominent in one gender over the other.  For instance men often struggle with having a lack of empathy, grace and mercy in their personal relationships including their relationships with their wives and children. But on the other hand, one of the greatest struggles for many women is the struggle against the sin of laziness.

The reason for this is because women can often times allow themselves to be completely controlled by their emotions.  For many women if they feel like doing something then they do it and if they don’t feel like doing something then they don’t do it whereas most men are creatures of duty so whether they feel like doing something or not men will do their duty.

So if it could be said that men could learn or thing or two about empathy from women it could equally be said that women could learn a thing or two about duty from men.

Does a Christian husband have the authority to confront his wife’s laziness?

Imagine that your son or daughter left their bed a mess and left toys and clothes all over their room. Would you go in and make their bed and clean up their clothes and toys? If you did this would this be showing your child kindness, empathy, grace and mercy? I think we could answer this question with a resounding “no”.

Why? Because if we go and clean up their room we are not teaching them that it is THEIR responsibility to clean their room. We are in essence enabling the sin of laziness in our children when we allow them to keep their rooms messy.

But somehow our modern culture has a different standard when it comes to a woman keeping her home which is something the Bible clearly commands:

“4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” – Titus 2:4-6 (KJV)

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” – I Timothy 5:14 (KJV)

Today we make excuses for women that we would never allow with our children to make when it comes to their chores. If a man complains about his wife being lazy a list of excuses and possible reasons for her not doing her duty are given.

We are told today that all of sudden in the age of dishwashers, washing machines, dryers, conventional ovens,  microwaves, refrigerators, electric irons and all of the other household tools women have at their disposal that they simply can no longer do the things women have been doing for thousands of years even now that they have these tools.

I wonder how many women would complain that they just “can’t do it all” if they were taken to some third world country with no electricity and they had do everything by hand. The fact is women today are spoiled and you know whose fault it is? It is the same person’s fault if a family has spoiled children – it is our fault men!

The Bible says “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23) and Christ tells us regarding his churches that “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.” (Revelation 3:19).

It is true that some leaders only have the power to influence those who follow their leadership but they have no authority to discipline those who follow them. Some falsely claim this how a husband leads his wife – by influence only.  But this is contrary to Biblical teaching. A husband is not only his wife’s leader but he is also her authority and she is subject to him in all things.

Consider these Scriptural teachings on the subjection of wives to their husbands:

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:24 (KJV)

“1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives…

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” – I Peter 1:1 & 5-6 (KJV)

God’s Word is clear that he has established men not only as leaders of their wives but also as authorities over their wives and with all authority comes the power to discipline those who are under that authority. A husband has the authority to discipline his wife and his wife’s submission is NOT voluntarily but rather a husband can and should compel his wife’s submission.  For more on the subject of the Christian duty of husbands to discipline their wives see these posts “Should a Christian husband make his wife submit?” and “7 Ways to Discipline Your Wife“.

So when it comes to laziness or other sinful behaviors by your wife, you as a Christian husband have not only the power but the responsibility to discipline your wife. In fact the act of a man disciplining his wife is a sacrifice on his part in much the same it is a sacrifice for a parent to discipline their child. No loving parent enjoys disciplining their child and no loving husband enjoys disciplining his wife.

The sacrifice of disciplining your wife

“25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” – Ephesians 5:25 (KJV)

Many Pastors, teachers and Christian women point to Ephesians 5:25’s phrase “and gave himself for it” as a way to dismantle everything the Bible tells wives about submission.  We are often told in churches across America “Sure women are told to submit to their husbands but men are told to sacrifice themselves for their wives”.  But this is only telling half the story.

What all these Pastors, teachers and women neglect is what it means for a husband to give himself for his wife.  This is explained in the next two verses:

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesians 5:26-27 (KJV)

A man is to sacrifice himself for his wife’s holiness and not to enable her sinful behavior. If a wife is acting lazy or selfish in some way a husband is not to enable this sin by doing what she should be doing or giving her aid where no aid is truly needed.

Men let’s be honest. Sometimes we just pick up after our kids because we want to avoid a confrontation and we don’t want to disturb the peace of the house at that moment. In the same way and really to a greater extent we “pick up” after our wives for the same reasons.

We come home from work and see the house in disrepair and when our wife asks that question about getting takeout we take the easy way out – we say yes and we go get it.  But what have we taught our wife in this situation? We have enabled her laziness and taught her it is ok to neglect her duties to her home when she does not feel like it.

Your wife’s laziness sets a bad example for your children

If your children see their mother leaving her house in disrepair what example does it set for them? There is a saying about how children learn things from their parents. With children things are often more “caught than taught”. What that means is if you say one thing and do another most likely your children will do what you do and not what you tell them they should do.

So in the case of allowing your wife’s laziness to go unchecked there are two things that you are teaching your children no matter what you say to them otherwise.  In the short term you are teaching them to leave their room a mess and not pick up after themselves.  Why? Because mom does keep up the house why should they keep up their room?

Think about how hilarious the following scenario is and it occurs in homes all across America each and every day. A mother yells at her children “your rooms are a mess – go and pick up your clothes and put your toys away” while right behind her as she says this there is a sink full of dishes that has sat there for two days and a laundry room with a pile of clothes that stands as tall as her children.

But there are even worse long term influences from allowing unchecked laziness in your wife to continue. We must remember as Christian parents that we are raising other people’s spouses.

If you don’t confront your wife’s laziness then you are teaching your sons that they should not confront their future wife’s laziness if that were to occur.  If you come home and constantly bail your wife out of her responsibilities by getting takeout or cooking yourself or doing the laundry you are teaching your son that it ok for them to enable sin in their future wives instead of confronting it.

If you don’t confront your wife’s laziness then you are teaching your daughters that it is ok for them to be lazy wives too. A lot of women follow the pattern of their mother.  So it is up to you to confront this laziness in your wife so that your daughter can see that the way her mother has been neglectful of her duties is NOT an example that God wants her to emulate.

Disability is not the same as laziness

Now I need to stop here and give the obvious exceptions. If your wife is sick or somehow physically unable to keep up with the affairs of the home then this is not a matter of laziness on her part but rather the inability to do these things.  In this case God has called us as husbands to lovingly step in and aid our wives.

For instance in the weeks before a woman gives birth she may be bedridden or she may be bedridden for weeks after giving birth or after other surgeries.  Of course in these instances we as loving husbands need to step in and render aid wherever it is needed.

My wife was in a very bad car accident 3 years ago that left her permanently disabled. She suffers from PTSD, depression and anxiety in addition to chronic pain as a result of that accident. She cannot physically do everything she used to do. So I have no problem as her husband stepping in and helping wherever that help is needed.

I have been asked to write on being a “caretaker spouse” by many Christians who deal with this situation and I plan on doing that very soon. But I will just say that even if we as husbands have a disabled wife – it is our duty as husbands to both help them and also push them to do what they can be reasonably expected to do.

For example – my wife for some time did not do much in the months that followed her car accident and that was completely understandable.  In the beginning I did not want her lifting a thing.  But as the months progressed and we got into a year from the car accident after physical therapy her doctors said that her lying around all the time was not good for her.  She needed to get up and move around and even force herself to engage in some light housework where she could even while enduring some pain.

I had to push her and sometimes we got into fights about it. But it needed to be done for the benefit of her spiritual and physical condition and the benefit of our home. Overtime as I saw she was able to do more I pushed her more. This is a tricky area when dealing with a disabled wife – but even in this case God wants us as husbands to exhort our wives to do whatever their best is in their current condition.

Grace and mercy should always accompany discipline

Guys – remember what I said about what we struggle with verses what our wives struggle with? Sure your wife might struggle with laziness but perhaps you may be struggling with grace and mercy. You truly need to look at the pattern of your wife’s behavior to know for sure how you should handle the situation.

Ask yourself this question – is it the norm for your house to be in disrepair or do you eat out every other day of the week because your wife does not want to cook?  Or are these things the exception? If they are the exception then you probably should consider showing your wife some grace and mercy during these rare times and give the woman a break.

Now that we have discussed the fact that husbands not only have the right but also the duty to discipline their wives for laziness now let’s discuss some practical steps men can take to accomplish this.

7 Steps to dealing with a lazy wife

Step 1 – Know beforehand that this will hurt her

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” – Proverbs 27:6 (KJV)

Very few women if any will take it well when their husband tells them he believes they have been lazy and neglectful in their duties to their home. But it must be said.  This is the sacrifice of discipline that you must make as a husband.

Step 2 – Speak the truth in love

“14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:” – Ephesians 4:14-15 (KJV)

The “L” word is not a swear word. In some Christian circles a man saying his wife is acting “lazy” is akin to him calling her a cuss word.  The KJV uses two words for laziness – one is “slothfulness” and the other is “idleness”:

“By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of the hands the house droppeth through.” – Ecclesiastes 10:18 (KJV)

So yes speak the truth in love – but speak the truth.  If it walks like a duck and acts likes duck – it’s a duck. In fact the Bible says that a godly wife is NOT a lazy wife:

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27 (KJV)

There is no sugar coating this gentlemen – if a wife is not keeping up with duties of her household she is being lazy and she must be called out on this.

I think that initially you should try and handle this in private with your wife away from your children and with most other issues.  But at a future point if she continues in this sin of laziness it will become evident to the children that mom is doing something wrong.  I will talk about this more later.

Step 3 – Make the consequences for her laziness clear

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.” – Revelation 3:19 (KJV)

At first give her a warning. But let her know that if you come home and see the house is a mess, laundry is not done, the home is not clean or dinners are not being prepared there will be consequences for her laziness.

I have talked in more detail about how men can discipline their wives in my post “7 Ways to Discipline your wife”.

Step 4 – Follow through on disciplinary consequences if she fails to change her ways

“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” – Hebrews 12:11 (KJV)

If you thought confronting your wife about her laziness was the hardest part you would be wrong.  Following through on the consequences you promised will be the most difficult part.  But remember why Christ sacrificed himself? It was to make his bride holy and so to you must do this to try and yield the fruit of righteousness in your wife’s life.

Step 5 – Attempt private discipline first

Once you have examined “7 Ways to Discipline your wife” you will notice that most of these methods could be instituted in a way that does not draw attention to your wife from your children.  I would suggest you try these kinds of private discipline first.

One method of private discipline that I added as an update to “7 Ways to Discipline your wife” is using your time as a husband as a method of discipline.  This is especially important to men in Tom’s situation where finances are tight. Many women value their husband’s time more than almost anything else.  A man can use discretion with how much of his free time that he allocates to his wife as one method of discipline.

Step 6- Move to more public discipline if private discipline does not work

An example of public discipline would be turning off the internet or cable in your home. Perhaps you might lock these things out with a code only you know. If you need the internet for work or children need it for school you could put the new code only in your computer and theirs and not your wives so she will have no access while others can still use it.  If you have to do this to shake your wife from her laziness this will get the attention of your children as it affects them.

Contrary to what some Christian teachers may teach – you do not have shield your children from your correction and discipline of your wife especially if she puts you in the position to have to do things that are more publicly visible to the rest of the family.

Some might say that this type of discipline undermines a mother’s authority in the eyes of her children and dishonors her before them in direct contradiction to I Peter 3:7’s admonition for men to honor their wives. But this could not be further from the truth.

The mother has dishonored herself by placing her husband in the position to have to elevate his discipline of her from private to public. Matthew 18:15-17 teaches us this principle that first correction is to be attempted privately but if the person remains in unrepentance their sin is to be made public.  Wives and mothers are not an exception to principle.

Step 7 – If she spurns your discipline then bring her before the Church

“…How have I hated instruction, and my heart despised reproof;” Proverbs 5:12 (KJV)

An now we come to the most public form of discipline a man might have to bring against his wife.

As husbands we have a duty to discipline our wives for sinful behavior. But whether it comes to our wives or our children there is only so much that we can do to discipline them and try and get them on the right path. If they despise our discipline and rebel then we must leave them in the Lord’s hands.

It is only when we have exhausted what we can do and if they continue in steadfast rebellion against our attempts to discipline them that we then should bring them before the church (Matthew 18:15-17).

But again they may not even listen to the church.

We must face the fact that discipline does not always yield the results that we want for those we love that are under our authority and spiritual care. But discipline requires two active parties for it to be successful. It requires the authority to perform the discipline and it requires the one under authority to learn from the discipline and change their way.

However, even if the wife does not learn from the discipline and change her ways this does not mean removing the disciplinary measures.  Once all measures have been taken those measures should stay in place until repentance is made.

How will things get done around the house while her laziness continues?

This is a very practical question and one we must carefully consider.  The laundry is not going to do itself, the dishes are not going to clean themselves and the meals are not going to make themselves.

The way you would handle this if you have no children and have plenty of money and the way you would handle this if you have children and little money are going to be very different.

If you have money then as a form of discipline you should have confiscated your wife’s credit cards and not given her weekly money. Hire someone to come in and help with the laundry and house work.  As far as meals go out to dinner by yourself and do not take your wife.  Make sure there are is some food for her in the house as that is something you are required to supply her with as her husband.  But it does not have to be fancy food.  Make her eat sandwiches.

If you don’t have money and especially if you have children then you won’t be able to hire a house keeper and you won’t be able to eat out.

Wash your clothes and wash your children’s clothes but purposefully leave your wife’s clothes for her to wash.  When you make dinner for you and your children do not make your wife a plate and be sure to discard any extra food at the end so she will be forced to make her own meal.

What if my wife works outside the home?

If you both work outside the home then the dynamics of who does what around the house may be slightly different. But it is still possible for a wife to be lazy in regard to her duties to her home even if she works outside the home.

The first question you need to answer is – did you approve of and agree to your wife working outside the home? If you did then you may need to pitch in and help out with things around the house.  But even in helping out your wife still needs to care for her home.

If you did not approve of this and she did this on her own against your wishes then she is responsible for all of the domestic duties of the home. You do not have to aid her going against your wishes by doing half the house work while she works outside the home against your wishes.

I find it interesting how many women point to Proverbs 31’s virtuous wife planting a field and selling clothing she has made in the market as proof that God is OK with women choosing to have careers outside the home. I have discussed why this does NOT in fact show a career woman in my post “Can a woman work outside the home?” What they miss is this woman did those things outside the home and then came home and did EVERYTHING inside the home.  Her husband came home to find a house where everything was in order.


These methods may seem harsh but really they are not – they are necessary.  Remember that your wife has brought this on herself and if you love her it will grieve you to have to do these things.

The sin of laziness is a serious sin before God – we as husbands must treat it as such even with our wives whom we love.

“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” – II Thessalonians 3:10 (KJV)

96 thoughts on “7 Steps to Dealing with a Lazy Wife

  1. K.Q. and Ame,

    I see where both of you are coming from. I agree with K.Q. that husbands should not be harsh with this wives but always first try the gentle approach. But Ame is exactly right that while husbands are required to love their wives and show them understanding – wives are REQUIRED to do what is right REGARDLESS of if their husband is doing what is right toward them.

    A gentle loving approach can cure a lot of ills I agree, but sometimes love must be tough when gentleness does not work.

  2. Ame,

    “i wanted to teach my daughter that, regardless of what anyone else does or does not do, she is to honor God. i wanted to teach her that, regardless of how she feels or wants, she is to honor God. i wanted to teach her that regardless of what is fair, just, equal, or even abusive, she is to honor God.”

    This a great teaching that you gave to your daughter. I have had to teach my children similar things about their mother’s home environment. There was a time when the step father did something that was physically abusive and I had to step in. But beyond that there is a lot emotional badgering and other things that go that I can do nothing about. There are going to be rough situations like this in life where we will be treated unfairly by teachers, employers, and even parents and spouses. But God wants us to do what is right despite being treated unfairly – in fact it is a good testimony for a Christian to have. I have had to do the same thing in teaching my children coping mechanisms as you have.

    I teach my children all the time that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.

  3. Of course not. And I’m not suggesting that wives live their lives for praise because it can become an addiction. Look what happens to movie stars when the applause stops. Many can’t cope.

  4. I agree. Feelings are probably the MOST unreliable source of information on earth. They are rarely based on fact and, when applied inappropriately, they can make any emotional situation worse.
    Not that we should totally ignore our feelings, as they bring the passion of living alive, but most feelings require that they be tempered in order for them to do us, and those we love, the most good.

  5. KQ – it’s so hard for us women to put feelings in their proper perspective b/c we ‘feel’ life.

    years ago, before children, i taught the ladies in our couples sunday school class in a monthly bible study. i remember one time when we were reading in the bible on how we were supposed to do/behave … i can’t even remember what it was about now … but one woman simply said, “i’m not going to do that.” that was certainly her choice. not too many years later calamity came to her marriage in biblical proportions. i’m not God. i do not know everything. AND, calamity can come to any marriage regardless of how one or the other chooses to live … but, it makes one wonder.

    i’m very concerned that truth, straight from the bible, without anything added, is taught to women. as women, we are master manipulaters. as with anything, this can be used for good and bad. i believe God gave us women ‘ways’ to be used appropriately. but when we abuse them, when we justify based on how we feel, when we don’t use God’s Word as our Standard, we very quickly spiral out-of-control. and while no one likes to admit wrong, we women excel at that, twisting words and events to accommodate us.

    sure, our husbands are to love us in amazing ways. but God does not tell us, as wives, that we only obey our husbands, we only obey Christ, when our husbands are loving us the way we interpret the bible says they should.

    i have to be honest here. i apologize more than i’d like to. and i HATE to have to say i’m sorry. as a matter of fact, i hate it so much that it kept me out of a LOT of trouble in my life … not b/c i wanted to honor God or obey anyone or any rule, but simply b/c i hate to admit when i’m wrong and i hate to have to say i’m sorry. i’m better at that … but there are still things i refuse to do MORE b/c i don’t want to be wrong and have to admit i’m wrong than b/c it’s simply wrong.

    i do know that not every husband responds well when his wife faces her own stuff and admits to it and apologizes to him and asks for forgiveness. when i did that with my first husband, he took it as a blanket statement that i was responsible for ALL *his* choices, and till the day he died, he blamed every.single.thing. on me. he would abuse me and blame it on me. he would sleep with someone else and blame it on me. it was like he took one thing i did wrong and wanted to give me the blame for every thing he did wrong. BUT … this did not give me permission, license, freedom, to dishonor God’s Word.

    the man i’m married to now … it’s totally different. he’s so quick to forgive b/c he knows how fallen he is. i’m still stunned everytime i ask for forgiveness and he gives it so freely and completely.

  6. i hate divorce. i hate everything about it. even when it’s necessary, i still hate it.

    we’re not supposed to have to give up our kids till they graduate from high school, turn 18, but in divorce with kids, you don’t get that choice. and then, you don’t get to choose the environment of the other home.

    i’m so sorry you have to deal with this; i KNOW it grieves you deeply. and i’m so sorry for your kids. life is just so freakin hard sometimes.

    “I teach my children all the time that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”

    wisdom. your kids are eternally blessed to have you for their father/dad/daddy.

  7. Are you saying that a husband or kids shouldn’t have to hang up their coats if the mom stays at home?

  8. He loves you and you are very blessed. I never wanted to be wrong either because it pained me to have to apologize for hurting someone. So, it kept me out of a lot of trouble too. God works in mysterious ways, and I am grateful for His mercy and inspiration to do good.

  9. Re: the idea of kids helping mom

    I think that this is a really complex subject. I do agree that while kids are doing their jobs by going to school and doing their homework that moms who stay at home should be handling most of the stuff that’s their job. On the other hand, moms definitely sometimes help their kids out with their jobs by helping them get through homework and stuff, so I don’t think that it’s wrong for a mom to ask her kids for help around the house. Should she be demanding that they do so many chores when they come home that they can’t get their homework done or get enough sleep to perform well in school the next day? No. But I remember when I was going through school, even in high school when my workload got pretty heavy, I still helped my mom out at night by doing simple, quick tasks like loading and unloading the dishwasher or wiping down the counters or sweeping and cleaning the kitchen floor. Then on weekends, provided I wasn’t completely consumed with a project, I frequently helped her vacuum and dust the whole house. At that point, we were living in a good-sized house, and my mom definitely appreciated the help with stuff like that so that she had time during the week to do things like daily straightening up, laundry, and more time-consuming tasks like cleaning the bathrooms, wiping down doors, cleaning off the porch, etc. I definitely didn’t feel taken advantage of by a lazy mother because she definitely was not and is not lazy. I didn’t mind helping her because she helped me a lot, and I learned a lot about cleaning and taking care of a house from that.

    I also think that it can be even more necessary that kids help out in large families. My mom was one of ten. My grandmother still did most of the cooking and cleaning, but she couldn’t physically be in ten places at once. She wanted her kids to be able to play and often needed to address one child’s needs at once. Because of that, she often called on the older kids to help watch the younger kids because, again, she couldn’t have minded them all at once without severely restricting their movements, and she couldn’t have kept the house up if she tried to do that. She wasn’t even close to lazy, and she managed the house without a lot of money. Every single one her kids and grandkids adores her. She was not a failure as a mother or wife for needing her kids to pitch in more.

    Basically, if you want women to have huge families, the kids will have to pitch in a lot to help their mom, even if she is a SAHM.

  10. btw – totally unrelated – you remind me of one of my beautiful college roomies … she has that white/blonde hair … and she always looked sexy when she got out of the shower with her wet hair – which we roomies soon learned b/c guys often seemed to know when she would be out of the shower and would drop by! anyway … silly, funny things one remembers.

  11. Alex,

    “Basically, if you want women to have huge families, the kids will have to pitch in a lot to help their mom, even if she is a SAHM.”

    I agree 100% percent with you on large families and kids helping out more. The Duggars are this way where they basically assign older siblings to younger siblings to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. A mother could not possibly keep up with all the laundry and other household duties with that many children.

    The point is if you look at Proverbs 31 – she is never idle. The woman is constantly moving. But if a woman is doing all she can but she simply can’t keep up with such a large family I agree others will have to step in and help. I also think even in much smaller families it is OK for the kids to have chores. But it should not be because mom is sitting around watching TV and facebooking all afternoon and then gives chores to the kids to do all evening after school. Believe it or not there are women that do that.

  12. I should clarify that i wasn’t saying that women should only be expected to act appropriate if they are given proper support and praise. I was really only advocating for the ‘gentle approach first’ idea. I thought BGR would agree but I had completely forgotten that he had actually in fact written on that very idea before! So I still agree with most of what is being said here.

    About the issue of kids helping, outside of necessary help (large families where it wont’ get done any other way), what about the importance of teaching them? If kids have never done a load of laundry before cuz mom has always done it, what is that daughter going to turn into when she has her own home? Or a son if he lives by himself for some time or is in a situation like me and my husband? This doesn’t have to be something kids spend hours on on top of their regular school, but when I was growing up, a lot of the chores I did weren’t just to help my mom, it was so that I would in fact learn basic skills like cooking, cleaning, ironing, laundry, etc. I’m a firm believe in the idea that prior to high school graduation, a person (regardless of gender) should be able to know how to make a basic healthy meal (not store bought mac’n’cheese or ordering pizza) and do a load of laundry from start to finish (finish being with clothes folded and put away or hung up in a closet NOT on a heap on the floor!)

  13. I think a majority of moms have their children or teens help them clean up is because at the age of 18, those kids will leave the home and be at college. There will be no mother or father to tell you to clean your dorm , do your homework or cook your food. Not only that but at some point kids will eventually live on their own and if mommy was always cleaning and doing everything for you and not once have you learn to do something for yourself then how can you live on your own.

    -aka ChildofRa

  14. @AnnaMS,

    Definitely agree with the last paragraph. My brother and I both learned to dust, vacuum, do dishes, do laundry, and cook some basic things from our mom. Granted, partly because I was older and partly because I was better at cleaning and managing my time while in school, my brother didn’t learn to do those things as quickly or do them around the house as much. But once he was going off to college, my parents made sure that he knew how to do his own laundry and how to cook some basic, healthy meals that he enjoys.

  15. Alex,

    I agree that children should have chores and learn life skills like laundry and cooking. It is actually a weak area for me where as a father I need to push my children harder in this area. With my wife being disabled there are weeks she can do much of the house work and other weeks where she needs more help with cooking and other things and often I just step in and do things without remembering until afterward this could have been a teachable moment to get one of my kids involved. I am trying to do better on that. My older two sons can cook a little but they certainly are not very good at it.

    My daughter is getting into recipes now and trying to learn how to cook. But yes I agree with the general principle that kids do need to help out – if not for anything else then it to be a learning experience that helps them with skills they need later in life. But I just don’t think they should do this work in a way that enables laziness on the part of the mom. The kids need to learn but majority of the affairs of the home need to remain in mom’s domain if she is a full time homemaker and she does not have 19 kids.

  16. @Cara,

    “Are you saying that a husband or kids shouldn’t have to hang up their coats if the mom stays at home?”

    Not at all. Each family member should pickup after themselves. Nor am I against kids having chores either as it teaches them life skills. What I am against is perfectly able bodied full time stay at home moms who have their children doing what they should be doing so they can go shopping, hang out with their girl friends, Facebook and watch TV and then delegate to their kids all the work they should have done when they get home from school.

  17. BGR,

    There are definitely some moms who do exactly what you’re talking about, and it’s definitely wrong. Teaching kids some basic but necessary skills is good, and getting assistance when you need it is fine. But a mom making her kids do all the cooking and cleaning is like a dad making his kids go out after school and be the primary breadwinners.

  18. And of course it’s much more common for mothers to abdicate their household responsibilities to the children than it is for fathers to abdicate earning responsibilities to kids. Indeed, the latter is exceedingly rare. I brought it up to illustrate the absurdity of the SAHMs expecting their kids to do all the work while they just have fun.

  19. i think sometimes in parenting we need to give ourselves more grace. you do a LOT and deal with a LOT. not EVERY moment needs to be a teachable one. our kids learn tons simply by watching how we do life and the attitude with which we do it.

    there are basic cooking skills that are very helpful to build upon. i would think some basic things to know how to do would be:
    – know how to follow a recipe.
    – cook pasta.
    – know how to make a Basic White Sauce.
    – know how to make a basic spaghetti sauce.
    – know how to cook eggs and bacon.
    – pancakes.
    – a simple baked chicken.
    – mashed potatoes.
    – how to cook fresh veg’s – nothing extravagant; just simple.
    – know how to make chocolate chip – or something else simple – cookies from scratch.
    – know how to bake a basic cake from scratch.
    – know that icing for a cake can be easily homemade.
    – know how to make a basic salad dressing from scratch – to know it can be done.

    once they know the basics, they can build upon them when motivated … such as your sons wanting to cook for a date … or if they live alone someday.

  20. “Are you saying that a husband or kids shouldn’t have to hang up their coats if the mom stays at home?”

    coats – a lot of y’all must live up north!

  21. Seconding Ame, BGR. It’s good that your sons are already practicing this stuff at 16 and 18. Even though they’re not good yet, they’ll get there more practice.

  22. Wow. I believe in gender rules to a good degree (and oh how I wish my husband were working for actual money!!) however he didn’t say what she is doing during the day. Why are things not done? Every time my husband had to take over (when I went to help out of town parents) I’d come home and even though house looked like a tornado had hit it, the house was “rearranged” and he’d had sudden insight to the shear volume of work! It lasted about a month. The next time I needed to go out of town, it recurred. It never lasted, but he also does know now, on a deeper level.
    The gentleman who wrote in said when he’s done with work he wants to to relax, spend time with the kids (fun time, not chasing after them in the never-ending task of teaching the child-to-young-adult lessons of duty and responsibility). Do household tasks need to get done? Of course. It sounds like this is a chronic issue, and it’s very easy to be caught up and distracted by external things. It’s also easy to be distracted from drudgery, which the writer had a teeny taste of, by the needs of people. Sometimes they’re the kids’ needs, sometimes it’s service or in the “bear one another’s burdens” sense. Even if the only things a woman does are related to home and family, she is on call 24/7, unfinished work is always calling because the nature of the work is that it’s continuously accruing. It’s not right or good, but it’s extremely easy to look at sink, laundry, floors and door jamb AND think “Thirty seconds after that’s done, someone is going to undo it”. Even if a man’s job is like that, it’s half of his awake hours; he walks away. Her job is 24/7, including her sleep hours. If there’s a middle of the night need, is are it’s mom who’s up. Few women think an 8-hour job is comparable to a 24-hour job. Most women will start prioritizing, just to cope with the non-stop demands on her energy.
    I raised 6 kids working part-to-full time, though I’d rather have been a stay at home mom. Most of the kids are grown, independent and responsible; one works and still lives at home. I find it gratifying but a little sad that they thank me for teaching them how to be good, kind, responsible and for being a role model. They don’t thank dad. To them dad provided, got after them about picking up (when something bothered him), but to them he was more interested in relaxing after work. He’d done his work duty, now he could choose what he wanted to do. Now they want to know why I don’t leave him because they have seen this discrepancy, and it’s my sons who dislike it the most. They wanted their dad to help their mother. They wanted time all together as a family, rather than me always occupied with some chore, especially when dad’s reading or hanging out. And while they love God, they teeter because rigid gender roles go against the feeling of “family” they wanted them and want now.
    My suggestion is rather than “discipline”, maybe think about Jesus washing the feet of His disciples – He who is first shall be last, and he that is last shall be first.
    When she cooks dinner, do all the dinner dishes – not necessarily all the dishes, but all the dinner dishes. She gets 30 minutes, and off her feet for a bit, and your kids have the best thing – they have the example most kids crave…to see their father showing their mother that he loves her. It might take time, but the combination of assistance, love, and habit of appreciation is powerful, both for spouses and kids.

  23. After being married for 29 years my wife is so lazy I can’t take it anymore. She was raised in a lazy manner the only way and I mean the only way I have been able to get her to make any changes is with anger she doesn’t listen to reason yet I have not used the word of God against her. Maybe that is my mistake. After being angry for so long it has ruined me I cannot even begin to explain the damage it has done to my mind to my emotions into my soul. Of course you will probably blame me maybe you could have an answer for someone else before they get to the point that I have gotten to

  24. Mark,

    I am sorry to hear of your situation. There is a difference between righteous anger toward sin and being bitter at someone. There is nothing wrong with you having a righteous anger toward your wife’s laziness. But if you allow yourself to become bitter at her this is where sin comes in. Bitterness will eat you up. Bitterness is like taking poison expecting the other person to die.

    Often we get bitter at people when they fail to meet our expectations. Don’t get me wrong – some expectations we have for someone may be Biblically based. A parent expecting their child to obey and clean their room is a righteous expectation. A husband expecting his wife to submit to him, respect him and keep his home in order and not be lazy is a righteous expectation.

    However as both parents and husbands we will be confronted with the reality that those under our authority(whether they be our wife or children) will not always do as God expects them to do. This is where God calls for us to discipline them – not out of bitterness toward them – but of a true desire to see them be holy and also a desire to fulfill our role as the authority in our home.

    You cannot control what your wife does. All you can do is try to influence her behavior or get her to change it by bringing consequences in her life. That might mean taking her credit cards away. If she spends all her time on Facebook or online it might mean locking her out of your home internet with a password on your router. Even a lazy wife has things she likes to do. If any of those things require your funding or resources pull the plug on those resources.

    Again you can control what she does – but you certainly can control what you do for her.

  25. Hi! Do you have any advice for a wife with a lazy husband? Obviously since I am not the spiritual head of my household my response should be different. My husband works full time (36 hrs/wk as a nurse). I worked full time also for years but now stay at home with our 1 yr old son. This has been an issue since we have been married. I believe he works hard while at his job, but his work at home is inconsistent. He has been taking classes on and off while working, and he has done some renovations over the years as well, and he does do most of our financial management. There are times where he has worked hard. But there are also large stretches of time where there is nothing other than his 36 hr/wk job, as well as a period of time between nursing school graduation and his first nursing job, and he contributes very little to the home. This includes the time before I was a stay-at-home-mom. When I was working full time, I was also doing all of the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning, including basic picking up after him (dishes and trash and clothing left lying around). Now, as a stay at home mom, I expect to do a majority of the housework, but I often feel alone and abandoned and like we’re not a team. I love a clean house, I love making meals from scratch, and I love to be organized, I love to be frugal, and I love to work hard. But I do feel hurt when I wake up early in the morning on his days off to try to exercise and spend time with the Lord, and then try to wrangle the kid while I cook breakfast and clean up my husband’s messes from the night before and try to get laundry going, etc, while he just sleeps in. Sometimes I’ll have breakfast on the table and he won’t even get up out of bed to eat it with me (this isn’t unreasonably early, this is between 8 and 9 am), wasting the food that I just went through the effort to make. Sometimes we’ll make plans to go to the park before the baby’s naptime on his day off, and I’ll be ready to go, and he won’t get out of bed to actually go with me. I feel like he is content to sit and watch movies or surf the internet while I am out of breath racing up and down the stairs juggling many different plates at once. He does help some with the kid (he will change diapers and bath him sometimes, kind of resists if I ask him to read to the baby before bed). This afternoon, he came home from class and fell asleep on the couch and didn’t want to get up, I took the baby to small group by myself, he’s still on the couch now and has been sleeping for almost 6 hours. We recently went on vacation, and I did the meal planning, all of the cooking, most of the dishes (he actually did help once or twice when I asked but this is very atypical), all of the cleaning and organizing, packing stuff for us and the baby when we’d go out on hikes and such, as well as being the one to wake up early with the child and during the night with the child. He just sat on the couch watching TV the majority of the time we were in the cabin. After we got back from vacation, we invited some friends over last minute for dinner who were moving out of the country so that we could see them one last time. An hour before they were supposed to arrive, he laid down to take a nap while I cooked, cleaned, and took care of the kid. I said something so he ended up helping. I don’t resent the hard work, I just struggle with resenting him being OK with me racing around while he just sits there. I feel angry, and I feel hurt. I want to feel like we’re on the same team, working together. My heart is to be a good helper to him, to be a hard worker for the Lord, and I am happy to serve him and take a load off of him, especially during times where he is taking a class or doing some project in addition to working, However, I feel like even when his load is light (such as between graduation and getting a job, or while on vacation, or when we were both working full-time), he’s content to just let me do it all while he relaxes. He loves to relax. I wonder if I’m enabling him, but I want to be submissive and respectful, too. I’ve considered getting pastoral counsel on this, but, again, I don’t want to make him look bad, although I genuinely want the counsel as to how I should best respond. I don’t think I’ve ignored his headship and wandered out on some crazy limb away from his authority either and taken on some kind of heavy work load that he didn’t want me to take in the first place. For example, it’s not like I’m running some ministry he didn’t want me to take on in the first place and then complaining about how tired I am. I believe I’m operating in the vision that he has for our home. And my heart is not to nag him. I’ve talked to him multiple, multiple times, but I feel like it doesn’t end well. He doesn’t get angry, but seems indifferent. He doesn’t seem very repentant, and if he apologizes, it’s the sort of forced-sounding, awkward apology that a young child would give. He tells me he’ll try to do better, and a few small things have changed over the years but largely things are the same. I feel nervous about having more children although we both want more. I don’t want to live in bitterness, but I fight bitterness almost every day over this issue. What do I do? Should I just silently press on and fight to keep my heart in check and be a servant like Jesus? Set boundaries? Be vocal and ask for help? Talk to my pastor? We’ve gone to marriage counseling once with one of our pastors, and I’ve brought it up multiple times, but he seems indifferent and I finally gave up asking because I felt like I’d be taking the reins in our marriage if I pressed the issue. Should I just go alone to seek help on how I should personally deal with this (that feels weird to me)? I would really love some help. Thank you.

  26. I don’t know if this is a double post, it didn’t seem to post. It’s 3 am and I can’t cry myself back to sleep. I’m trapped by my wife’s same laziness. She knows it too. We have 3 kids so divorce isn’t an option. She recently started a part time job and pays our phone bill and that’s it. The phones she switched to a new provider in her name without telling me first, canceling the first phones in my name leaving a $700 bill with early termination fees in my name, after a fresh start from filing bankruptcy. I was letting her run the finances to find out we were 3 months behind on mortgage, after the bankruptcy, while paying my dad back on a several thousand dollar loan to save our house. She is willing to overdraft the accounts if I don’t give her money. We need toilet paper but she has a new tattoo. She is on a new diet kick, so the kids get cereal for dinner, she makes her microwave diet food, walks by the garbage can to leave the packaging on the counter that the kids and I cleaned on my 2 days off, while doing my laundry, making dinner and yard work. I work full time and sometimes late. We don’t share the same bed anymore. The house is trashed. She wipes off her makeup and throws the wipes on the floor. The kids have trashed rooms since that’s what they learned. When I was a single parent my home was immaculate and clean every single day and I was proud of it. I hate my life. I ponder suicide just to escape I feel that trapped. The only thing holding me together barely is my kids. I want it to end. Our anniversary is coming up this weekend and I’m ignoring it. To hell with her.

  27. Hi. I have read your post and while I do believe in submission, I don’t believe that a husband should disciine a wife like be would a child and I have seen negative outcomes crom this behavior.
    Also, my issue is that my husband doesn’t work and I do. He sleeps a lot and while he will take out trash and cut grass, he doesn’t clean and rarely cooks. He does get upset about a messy house and dirty disbes, but in my mind it seems these things should be managed by him be ause he is at home most days, and it is stressful all that is deemed my “wifely” duties.
    I really wish I could do it all, and I use to try, but 5 kids and 2 jobs later, I don’t have it like that anymore. When wd both worked I did it but so did he. Now he doez even less and it makes me sad but I won’t argue.
    R school age one at home. He doez help with homework when I have to work late and feed them when I am working, but its samdwicbes, takeout or something randomly left over (rare in our large family).
    I love and respect him, I just dont get it apparently.
    Help me.
    Desperate for an answer from God

  28. Teresa,

    As I have pointed out on several occasions discipline is not just for children, it is also for adults. Adults get disciplined all the time. When you get pulled over for a speeding ticket that is one adult disciplining another adult. When a Pastor confronts immoral behavior in one his adult church members(like someone who has committed adultery) and asks them to repent or they will be expelled from the Church that is one adult disciplining another adult.

    What I believe you are disagreeing with as many do with me on this is the fact that a husband can discipline his wife at all. But he is her authority and he is responsible for helping to make her holy before God(Ephesians 5:26-27) and you cannot be an authority over someone and be held responsible for their behavior without the authority to discipline that person to help shape and mold their behavior.

    Just as Christ disciplines his Churches(Revelation 3:19) so to husbands are responsible to discipline their wives.

    Now as to the issue of your husband not working – that is a completely different issue. He is sinning if he has refused to work long term and is not disabled and has put his responsibility to provide on you. I suggest you read these articles I wrote on the subject of lazy husbands:


  29. Trumbleresearch,

    I am sorry to hear of this difficult situation with your wife.

    If you are truly suicidal I would seek professional help right away. Don’t mess with that.

    Whenever we have problems in marriage we need to sometimes sit back, take a deep breath and calming looking at the situation and ask ourselves these questions “What problems have to do with my behavior and if the problems have to do with my wife or children’s behavior what can I do to affect their behavior?”

    On the subject of the financial situation:

    As husband you have much more power to deal with this situation than if it were reversed and your wife were telling me these things.
    First – go and close your bank account that has your wife on it. Shut it down. Open a new account with just your name on it and take over the paying of all the bills. Lock her out from your financial resources. If she has her own their is little you can do(since I am sure she will refuse to quit her job).

    You pay the house payment, you pay the electrical and so on. There is nothing wrong with a man delegating this to his wife but if his wife shows irresponsibility it is ultimately the man’s responsibility to make sure the bills are paid on time. I just had to have this exact conversation with a male relative whose wife cannot seem to be responsible with the money – I told him to lock her out of the money and pay the bills himself.

    If you are unhappy with the way she shops – you do the shopping. I realize that with a full time job this will put a lot of responsibility on you, but this is what it means to be the man of the house.

    Now as to the messiness of the house:

    Your Statement:

    “The house is trashed. She wipes off her makeup and throws the wipes on the floor. The kids have trashed rooms since that’s what they learned. When I was a single parent my home was immaculate and clean every single day and I was proud of it. I hate my life. I ponder suicide just to escape I feel that trapped.”

    I know of many couples second marriages that have had to deal with this situation. My sister-in-law remarried and brought her kids into a new marriage with his kids. He was a bit older than her and set in his ways. He had his how immaculate like you before marrying her. Now she is not near as slobby as your wife sounds but dishes are left out on counters or tables, things on the floor, clothes and it literally drove him nuts. My wife was the same way – before she married me she had her own house with no kids. It was immaculate. Then she comes into a house with five kids and she wanted to pull her hair out as how messy it was compared to her house.

    Now I did not think it was so bad – but I am not the perfectionist she is or my brother-in-law is. I have tried to meet her half way as I have ecnouraged my sister-in-law to do with my brother-in-law. And I have tried to get on my kids about cleaning up after themselves. One of the things I do is when someone leaves a plate, a napkin or other things where it does not belong I take a guess who it was and put that a garbage on their bed where they sleep. It sends the message that if you don’t want garbage in a place that is important to you, then neither do I.

    You can find other creative ways to discipline the kids when they don’t clean up after themselves.

    Sometimes though it might just mean picking up some things and letting it be. There is only so much you can do to influence others behavior in this regard. But at the end of the day if you see a wipe on the floor – put it in your wife’s bed and leave it or put it in the trash can. Your call – but don’t let your wife’s bad behavior make you want to commit suicide. Control what you can, influence where you can, discipline where you can and leave the rest to God.

    It sounds to me that while your wife struggles with being lazy and slobby- you struggle with being a perfectionist. God may be trying to show you that you cannot control everything and somethings you may need to learn to live.

    On the issue of you no longer sleeping in the same bed anymore:

    Was that your call because you are frustrated with her? I understand and have used the sleeping in separate beds to make a point to my wife when she was in a completely rebellious state toward me. But that needs to be resolved as soon as you can. That is not good for a marriage long term and despite the problems in your marriage God wants you to have sexual relations with your wife.

    I pray that God will give you peace and understanding as to what you must do. Also learn the Serenity prayer and say it to yourself daily:

    “God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    forever in the next.
    Amen. “

  30. Funny thing is my husband wishes I was more lazy and would leave the dishes and chores and spend the evening with him watching TV. There are two problems, though:

    1. My days are non-stop. From 4 am to 10 pm I have something to do. My household chores are never done…they just rotate the need for doing. I do not have the masculine luxury of working only 40 hours then relaxing because I do not have a wide or housemate doing everything else for me. I even take out the garbage and mow the lawn! If I ignore a chore or two until tomorrow, it just doubles up what I already have to do.

    2. I hate TV. There is very little on TV that I find interesting, edifying, and doesn’t give me nightmares or dizzy spells (flashing lights/flickering screens and modern camera work literally make me physically ill). I would rather work on a project or chore than just sit and watch TV.

  31. trumbleresearch,

    That is a great start closing your joint accounts. Control what you can and accept what you can’t control.

    Now on the issue of her sleeping on the couch – that is why I asked if it was you or her that prompted this. It is not a sin for a couple not to sleep in the same room or bed together but it is a sin to sexually deny one another. If she wants sex you must give it to her and if you want sex she must give it to you. Even if neither of you want sex God wants there to be sex in marriage. A sexless marriage is like a baseball team that does not play baseball.

    I realize when the relationship is tense it is hard to have sexual relations but I think as the man you will need to find a way to initiate them with her. If she refuses you until you give her money back or do what she wants then start getting into sexual denial. If she consistently denies you sex for a long period of time(like a year or more) with no indication she will give it unless you comply with her demands then you could seek divorce for sexual denial and it would be Biblical to do so.

  32. I have closed our joint accounts today. Upped my dose for anti-depressants and she is the one who started sleeping on the couch. She does it to get back at me. There’s no help I can get for depression besides just taking the drugs I’ve done all that bull crap counseling and therapy it’s all a joke. I am to the point were I know longer love my wife I did not find her sexually attractive anymore. I have been putting up with seven years of torture and I am done being made to feel like the bad guy. I have great friends love me and not just enablers who think I’m a cool guy. They Don’t understand how I could still be with her, but I grew up without both parents in the home and I want my kids to have that, only the others who are dads get that. Plus I’m in WA state, and all men are bad and women do no wrong so it’s impossible to have custody of my daughter

  33. Trumbleresearch,

    I understand how your feel and it is a difficult situation and I can respect you thinking of your daughter before your own needs.
    I wish you the best and will pray for you for mental strength to deal with this situation.

  34. Thank you guys for the replies and support. Just got a bunch a nasty texts from my wife. Apparently my cell phone’s gonna be getting shut off now since that’s what she can control. And I don’t care about our family or marriage….we are millennials, and she is extremely entitled and just can’t see from any other perspective. If it wasn’t for having children she would be gone by now but in a liberal state she has all the power I’m just a poor schmuck working his Butt off for it. It amazes me how some people turn out. Oh and I am posting this from McDonald’s because the wifi. My phone is shutoff since she controls that

  35. Trumbleresearch,

    You can get a new phone and she has nothing left to manipulate you with. When you pull the financial plug it often reveals the real woman you are married to. Stay strong and don’t give in to her demands. Let her threaten you with divorce. It is better to live on half your income to live in this situation with her.

  36. It isn’t about authority over women. When I read that it disturbs me. My wife can get lazy. I even pick up on her lazy habits sometimes, but never to I have the authority to do anything. We are both grown adults, and best friends that love each other. People that make a commitment to each other need to skills to communicat. It sounds like Tom had a problem with communication. He held his resentment until he couldn’t hold itanymore and then would blow up when he had to face it head on. She sounds passive aggressive. This needs to be talked about. She feels like the victim, there is a way to talk to people that have this reactive mindset and it isn’t with aggressive behavior. It isn’t about where to put the blame it is about coming up with solutiona to solve the issues your marriage faces. Men don’t make all the rules of the house and men shouldn’t try and control everything in their house. Women are equal beings and should be treated with respect. So with that said learn how to communicate before you get married, not after you get married. Maybe then we wouldn’t have so many children jumping into to a clueless marriage and having children and raising them the same way.

  37. A man should have athority over his wife as the stronger of the two. We have a huge epidemic of lazy women in the country who feel like they are a complete victim because they work up as a woman this morning. I believe that lazyness is demonic and it is actually women who have a lack of empathy. The country we live in completely rewards a woman who divorces her husband! The church and the government beat men down as the sole problem in the home. Having a wife is like raising another child!! Men,be careful don’t be fooled by a pretty face! The spirit of Jezebel is everywhere!

  38. The most effective way to deal with a lazy wife is for the man to supplement his work day by doing all the housework, setting up a chore schedule for the children, coordinating all the homework duties with the children, taking charge of all of the Parent-Teacher conferences and the communication with school personnel, managing the worship schedule, praying daily with the children, coordinating household meals, tracking the purchase of clothes for the children and to turn off/purge his sexual desire as a means to withhold sex from the wife and to isolate her, so you live as much as possible as if she does not exist.
    If she is content with being isolated, then eventually she will leave or, alternately, she will change. If she chooses to leave, may it be a celebration that you have chased out of your life a despicably lazy human being whose presence in your home only will poison your children’s future. No man needs a difficult woman in his life, as there is no inherent value to having a female partner in one’s life. If you happen to find a good woman and she assists you in developing a God-centered balanced family, that is a special joy for which to give thanks to God. And, at the same time, if you as a man step up to handle everything, by yourself, with as little interference as possible from an obstructiive woman, then that also is a time to give joy to God and to realize that even if you did not expect to live a celibate life, it can be a blessing to focus on work and parenting and to put your family first as part of your fidelity and loyalty to your children.
    The kids will see over time the difference between laziness and diligence. You cannot live someone’s life for them. When a grown woman chooses laziness, help her learn that she can walk one way through your front door at any time and your life and your children’s lives will be better off with her gone.

  39. Im struggling with this right now. My wife and I have been married for close to 2 years now. We are buying a home together and have been living together for around a year and a half now.
    While we were dating we spent a lot of time together at my apartment so I did not have a good indication of her cleaning habits. It is also easier to clean a room in an appartment, or a dorm room, than an entire house.
    I landed a job that pays well but requires me to work a lot. Its hard physical labor that drains my strength and makes my body weary and broken at the end of the work day. I used to work more (between 52 and 60 hours a week), but since there is so much work to be done around home, and since that makes me tired to work at home after working all day, I now only work around 45 hrs a week. My wife initially worked only 40, but now she gets around 42 or 43 hours of work a week.
    We were a good team in the beginning. She made me breakfast and lunch in containers that I could reheat in the morning and at lunch time at work. I greatly appreciated this and I told her repeatedly and thanked her for the strength and nutrition it gave me at my hard day of work. Since our home is older I need to maintain things and fix things and we also made a garden so I have been busy fixing things and working. I also constantly pick up little things my wife leaves around the house. Her shoes, earings, clothes on the bathroom floor, craft projects in the study and living room. She doesnt deep clean anything, only mops if I complain, rarely changes the sheets. Ive been thanking God she has been able to keep up with my work-clothes laundry and the dishes. I always have to nag her to take care of the kitty litter.
    But I just wish I didnt have to ask her all the time to pick up after herself and to do her portion of “overtime” as I call it. She works too but I usually work more. Or I did before I started doing all of the things she has been neglecting.
    We share money completely and so i cant really withhold anything. We each have different utilities in our names. Her check goes towards paying certain things and mine does as well and the remainer goes towards our debts which are mostly mine but hers as well. We eat out often but I do not cook much.
    Ive tried leading by example but it exaughsts me completely and she gets resentful when I ask her to do more.

  40. Is anybody aware of support groups or churches who care for and encourage Men who are living through scenarios like this? Many men (including myself) are suffering heavily from this scenario. Thanks

  41. I read a book a few years ago called “No more Mr. Nice Guy”. I think there is a support group affiliated with the book. Really, it’s about time this issue was addressed. Im in a similar situation. I need to read the book again. I hope this helps.

  42. Thanks Ben. Appreciate the share will take a look. Are you aware of other other group that have a biblical foundation to it? I am in a scenario where my wife believes everything she is doing is biblical, yet in reality she has completely usurped all biblical Husband authority I am supposed to have for past 15 years. In addition, I go (forced) to a liberal church with a very pro-woman / anti-male culture. As a result, our household is in complete turmoil (as the bible said it would be) with a number of problems too much to list in a blog post. I have completely given this situation up to God as I have tried every technique, practice, action known to man to help correct the situation. Also, I live minute by minute following God and the teaching of Jesus because I fully view my current circumstances as temporary given our end goal is eternity with God.

    Hence, I am very alone in my plight except for the Word of God which has given me encouragement and strength to carry on day by day. Therefore, I am looking for other brothers (a community) out there suffering in similar circumstances where we can encourage, pray and support each other as we focus on living out the lives the Word of God commands us to do.

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